Entri – 8 [Irfan]

 Entri – 8

I knew there was something about this young man. On the surface, he was the most uncontrollable male student in the class. He liked to do things in his own way. He was not rude but he was always absent. He might be present to school but usually nowhere to be seen in my class. He never yelled back at me, or spoke anything rude right into my face, sometimes he teased me, but usually when he was present, he would just observe me quietly, and I could feel I was being watched. I never felt angry towards him, mostly worried and ended up letting out a helpless sobbing alone, and at other times, he always surprised me with his capabilities.

Dia tak macam student lain, and having him in my class, the difference was palpable. Aku ajar kelas dia and kelas depan dia and kalau nak nilai daripada laju dia tangkap apa aku cakap dan ajar, he surpassed most of the students in the next class. Tapi dia memang merely showed effort and desire to learn. One thing, kita tak boleh tolong orang yang tak nak tolong diri. Kita boleh dorong dan tolong semampunya, but if he chose to say no, kita bukan siapa – siapa lagi untuk tolong. That thought alone made me felt like a failure and helpless. He had so much potential in him, he was bright but there was something blocking him.

Kadang bila buat equation, aku pun tak secepat dia. 

Nampak dia menulis dalam kelas aku pun, aku dah bersyukur sangat.

Aku siap offer dia kalau C dan ke atas subjek – subjek percubaan, aku bagi RM50 setiap subjek but he just laughed away the offer.

Memang selalu tricky nak bercakap dengan dia, makin kita cuba dekat, makin dia jauh. Nampak mudah tapi payah. And satu hari tu, masa tu exam percubaan. Kebetulan aku jaga kelas dia awal pagi, semua orang dah bersedia dalam kelas, tunggu masa kertas nak diedarkan, tapi tempat duduk dia still kosong. Aku kalau boleh nak tunggu tapi nak tak nak, exam kena jalan, kalau tak, tak adil lah dengan budak – budak lain. Masa tu dah 8.30, dia still tak datang. Aku kalau boleh tak nak get too much involved tapi aku tak boleh tahan diri aku dari tanya kawan – kawan dia. And kawan – kawan dia jawab,

“Dia biasa pukul 9 lebih baru sampai sekolah miss, tapi tengoklah.”

And he never showed up that day. Kertas pagi tu pun, bukan subjek aku.

Kalau orang tanya aku ada regret tak sepanjang jadi cikgu ganti kat sekolah tu, aku akan jawab takde, sebab aku rasa aku dah bagi sehabis boleh, semampunya, tapi jujurnya ada satu, dia. I wish I could stay there longer, getting to know him better, got higher chance to help him, sebab aku rasa sayang sangat dengan potential dia tu, untuk tak digunakan betul – betul.