We've changed

 

This scene has been stuck in my head for years now. I mean, it’s exactly the same question I've been asking myself every time I reread my favorite books (I don’t reread books, only if I favor them way too much). I feel the need to write this whole thing down so that maybe, I could reconcile with the part of myself that I wronged.

 

I started to notice things I never noticed before, and I remember how the certain parts of the books that piqued my interest before, didn’t seem to interest me at all anymore. And how the things that interest me, seem to change every time I reread it. Every single time. The same question will keep hovering me for days, sometimes weeks or even, ambushed me during unusual hours; why I didn't noticed all of these when the first time I read it. I underlined new lines and looked back on all pages I underlined, and staring confusedly why nothing seems to feel familiar, to the extent I had to guess why I underlined them at the first place. Sometimes I get the vague ideas why but most of the time, I simply don’t.  

 

I always wonder is it the book that have changed? But how come a book can change? It never happened to me to think that it's me that have changed. IT’S ME. Never the inanimate books! When the realization knocked over, I felt embarrassingly stupid, for feeling almost ignorant of myself. All this time, I always feel like I'm still the same person who walked down the building, feeling confused on what to feel for things that happened. Because in the next 13 years, I'm still confused on what to feel for most of the things that happen around me. Wondering if it’s actually okay for me to feel in certain ways, whether I should let certain feelings/emotions flow freely, or hush them away, or simply pretend that I don’t feel them in hope they might retreat when I had given them no attention.  

 

This scene made me think maybe I've changed, which I always refuse to admit for all these years. Maybe I HAVE changed and maybe I should stop saying I’m still the same when I DID change in some ways, even subconsciously, but noticeable enough if I try to look closely. Or maybe because I simply refuse to look through, worried that I will catch the glimpse of it and called defeat. For all I know, my concerns, my worries really have changed. Whether in depth, or simply in context. 

And does it even make sense to feel sad when you started to think/realize that you did actually change? I know this somehow makes sense to some of you or simply don’t. But at least I could assure the anxious me, despite the fact that I’ve changed, some of my big my preferences are still the same until this day. And for that, I feel relieved.

I might have changed but not really that much. (look, it’s still hard to admit). 

But yeah, we’ve changed.

Pengalaman, kalau dia tak mematangkan kau pun, sedikit sebanyak, dia akan mengubah kau. Paling kurang, daripada cara kau berfikir dan penerimaan kau atas satu-satu perkara. Kau nak nafikan apa lagi?  Dan perubahan ni tak semestinya ke depan, ada yang makin terkebelakang. Bergantung.

Explanation yang takde orang tanya: 

Perasaan lelaki tu sebenarnya sama je pada dia dari dulu, tak pernah berubah. Kalau berubah pun, bertambah, tak kurang. Cuma kat sini, bila Dani sedar yang dia pun ada perasaan yang sama, dia baru perasan yang layanan lelaki tu bukan sekadar sayang biasa, ada harapan yang diletakkan. Lelaki mana nak layan kau lebih- lebih kalau dia takde perasaan, dalam layanan tu ada harapan, nampak tak nampak je. Sama ada pura-pura tak nampak atau memang kena ketuk baru nampak. 

Perempuan kalau dia bagi ruang, tu tanda ada harapan. Kalau tak pun, simply sebab dia enjoy the attention. Perempuan ni biasa lambat sikit nak sedar perasaan sebenar dia, so don’t simply take their first word bulat-bulat. Sebab most of the time, they don’t even know what they want because they can be full of uncertainties. They can regret for saying yes, and they can regret for saying no at the same time. 

Dah lah, aku dah merepek jauh ni. 

Selamat tahun baru. Semoga semuanya baik-baik saja.