Loss

My friend just lost her grandmother last night. She texted me to break the news. I always get panicked, and worried of what to say during those crucial times, because I know, words are not always the answer and dealing with deep sadness and colossal grief, most words rarely bring relief because it could be too much to process with everything already on the plate. Those words can feel almost fleeting like the wind passing.

If we are dealing with loss, what we want people to actually say to us? What's the word that could at least soothe the pain? 

I met her grandma once, a few years back, when I went to sleepover at my friend's house, on my birthday week. I remember listening hard to every word she said, paying my utmost attention to her while we talked, because her dialect could be hard to decipher, but then, I was quietly proud of myself to be able to understand what she said to me and gave her a proper response. I could see how my friend was dear to her, from her brief, lingering looks at my friend. 

Oh to be noticed by the people we loved! 

I remember vividly the time when my grandma died. I was combing my hair, standing close to my older sister, getting ready after bath, and in the middle of raking my hair, the comb I was holding fell to the floor. There was trepidation creeping in when that happened, which left me feeling queasy, like something bad was going to happen in the near future. 

Our home was a few states away from where she lived and I remember when we were all in the car, ready to go, I saw those tears coming down from my father's eyes. He cried and lamented for a while while his hand on the steering wheel. 

I wasn't close to her but I remember when hanging out with my friend, some time after the funeral, we came to talk about our family and I told her about my grandma's departure, casually. But then tears came streaming down my face, I couldn't help myself to stop for a while that I had to look away from facing my friend. I remember feeling perplexed while the tears kept trickling down my face, because I wasn't specially close to her. Maybe I cried because she was a family or maybe because I was actually crying for my father. 

That was the only time I saw him crying. And it was only briefly.