Entri – 6 [Doa & Ingatan]

 Entri-6

Aku ingat lagi, awal – awal masuk mengajar aku dah pasang niat, buat ni semua untuk duit je dan jangan get attached sangat dengan the kids. Tapi sebenarnya aku pasang niat tu out of fear.  Tak lama lepas tu, aku tahu niat tu tak kena dengan apa yang sebenarnya aku nak untuk those kids. Niat tu dengan sendirinya berubah, mana nak tipu perasaan sendiri bila kau tengok those eyes hari – hari. Those innocent and eager-to-learn eyes. Selalu, tengok lama – lama mata dorang pun boleh bikin sempit dada nak nangis.  

In week 3, I realised my attachment to my students were getting stronger. Awal tu, aku macam nafikan la dengan diri sendiri. Sebab aku dah start nangis all the time balik. I was good, I was positive about them, but that did not really help to calm down my worries. Bila tengah – tengah buat revision, then teringat dorang, mesti menitik. Malam sebelum tidur, mesti nangis sebab teringat dorang. Every night mimpikan dorang. Bangun tengah malam semata - mata nak doakan dorang, lepastu banjir lagi. Aku jarang bangun solat malam, aku sendiri pun terkejut tbh bila mudah je aku bangun almost setiap malam tanpa alarm, cuma set kepala je nak bangun untuk berdoa. Paling tak tahan, bangun-bangun je dah sebak, pastu nangis. Haru betul hidup aku dekat 3 bulan tu. I sound really desperate right? I know. I did feel desperate, desperate for God to ease their way in studying, desperately asking God to make them realised of their potentials. Bangun tidur, bersiap nak pergi sekolah pun selalu rasa sebak tapi bersemangat. Dia macam, ok, kau boleh Aini, pastu mata berair. They were on my mind all the time. Despite all that, I enjoyed having the thoughts of them at all times. It always started with a smile and ended with tears. I remember clearly, the last time I felt this pumped up when I was in primary school. I loved going to school back then and always planned my days ahead. The feelings were similar, I felt very positive about everything and it felt like nothing could bring me down. I felt really good. It was like; those kids made me rediscovered my purpose of life.

I buat revision all the time, I wanted to ace in teaching. I wanted to try my best to make them understand what I was going to teach, I wanted to deliver and show them how learning can be so much fun while the responsibilities as a student wouldn't be so palpable that it is stressful. There is always a way for things.  Aku boleh rasa aku tekun gila buat revision masa jadi cikgu ganti ni, bila masa senggang, lepastu balik sekolah, lepastu malam before tidur. Kalau lah masa high school aku study kuat macam ni hahahaha.

I had my favourite time at my favourite spot when I was at the school. Dekat depan pejabat sekolah, ada bangku panjang, and around 7.30 am, memang cahaya matahari akan tegak kena pada bangku tu and there was me, almost every morning, sitting there, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight felt on my skin. The warmth felt so good. I would be sitting there for quite some time while doing my revision. And it always feels good to study on your own will.

During the first and the second week of teaching, bila ada masa terluang, sebab rasa bosan, kadang pasang Kdrama. There was nothing much to do besides doing revision and prepared the apparatus for the experiment, which did not take much of my times pun. Tapi after some days of doing it, it did not sit right with me. I realised I could always watch Kdramas at other times but this opportunity might not come often, and I should be doing my very best, not just my best. After that, I always studied or having students over, to discuss about other subjects, talking about life. Besides teaching science, during recess or whenever I had free time, I guided them in maths and a bit of English. Lower form maths is easy and fun to learn, I was always glad to contribute in some ways. English on the other side is always a bit tricky to be taught. You go the wrong way, the session will be boring.