The Crushing Pain

 I had a bad dream. A really bad one that it’s hard to distract myself from it.

She died in the dream.

And the dream was more about the life after her demise. As time passed, I saw people slowly started to move on that it confused me. How they were able to do that in a short period of time?

Did I have too many regrets that made it hard for me to simply take even a step outside the endless loop?

I don't have so many regrets but I have big ones. It was the regret of not writing about her often enough, not expressing my love I bear for her well enough, not writing the final letter to her that I’d been intended to write for so long.

Her housemates came and sent back all her belongings in big boxes.

I wasn’t able to cry, the weight of the infelicity felt was too heavy and it was only getting bigger and heavier over time.

Not until the total realization hit me, that she was not going to come back, and how my chance to offer reconciliation to her had simply vanished.

The sadness felt like a truck hit me straight up into my chest. The pain was deep and too painful that it had to stretch further reaching my back. I cried my eyes out, hoping that’d lessen the burden but it only got heavier. 

I howled, as if it could turn back things.

I howled harder and harder until I was snapped back into reality and found out I was not only crying and screaming in my sleep but also in the room of reality. The crushing pain remains until the night came that it forced me to write this down in hope to lessen the pain.

I rasa ni kes sebab I baca my short writing pasal kehilangan semalam, before tidur. Buat naya diri sendiri ja.