Wedding

 ‘Kau happy?’

‘Happy.’ *sengih lebar

Aku pun tak sure kenapa aku nak sangat tanya soalan tu, sedangkan terang-terang boleh nampak how well she emanated the happiness, that her radiance was almost reflecting, blinding even. Maybe the point of asking her such an objective question was actually to confirm. As if spoken words will put a seal to all the lingering questions. And I wasn’t actually asking how she felt in the moment, because I could tell that much from her face, a few days after her wedding.

‘Kau… Kau pernah seek that kind of help?’

Kalau soalan tadi, aku tanya sebab aku nak kepastian, soalan ni, I was simply betrayed by my deep curiosity. I had blurted it out of control, and that question was never in my plan. I remember how my heart skipped a beat in between my question and her answer. Thinking what if I couldn’t handle the truth? What if it was too much for her to speak the truth? 

She was smiling when she said,

‘Hey, aku okay lah. Aku okay.’

Her tone reflected such tenderness, and reassurance, and it’s hard not to be comforted with her answer.

But wait, she wasn’t even answering my question.

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The night before her wedding, lepas dia dah siap pakai inai apa semua, dia masuk bilik siap-siap nak tidur. Aku tanya, nak tukar cadar tak, kalau tak, aku tukarkan. Masa tu aku sedar yang it’s been awhile since the last time we talked.

The last time we talked, gila aku tak ingat. It was intense. The image of her fighting back tears, saying what if he thought she doesn’t really love him because the decision she made?

‘Hell if I don’t love him, but I’m just the type who doesn’t really show it.’ That’s what she said.

I cried a bucket that night on the bus.

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Berbalik pada tadi. Bila aku dah siap tukar cadar, sarung bantal semua, dia naik katil. Dia nampak dah mengantuk sangat.  And her next question simply caught me off guard.

‘Kau tidur mana malam ni? Tidurlah sini kalau kau nak.’

Lepastu aku cakap okay, tapi nanti sikit aku masuk. I didn’t see the invitation coming sebab aku ingat, dia nak tidur sorang, lagi-lagi malam before dia nikah.

Sebenarnya, dari masa dia tunang dulu lagi aku dah tak senang duduk, sebab aku fikir, bila dia dah nikah, I can’t have all of her dah. I know she’s never really mine, she’s only my sister but the thought was overwhelming enough. I wrote about this extensively in one of my letters. Aku kept thinking mana aku nak pergi, apa aku nak buat so that nanti aku tak payah pergi wedding dia. Pastu suara dalam kepala aku akan counter, don’t be stupid aini, you’re a family. Masa kakak atas dia nikah pun, aku nangis macam apa je belakang langsir sorang-sorang.

Some people said, kita paling kurang are allowed to cry at wedding, graduation & funeral. Masalahnya aku ni, kalau budak senyum dekat aku pun aku dah berair mata, kalau dekat tiga ni, lagi lah haru.

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Aku keluar bilik dia then aku masuk balik, tanya nak pakai sheet mask tak? Aku ada yang Kayman dengan Isntree. Lepastu bila tanya, rupanya dia tak pakai apa-apa pun kat muka dia. Aku cakaplah, kalau macam tu, pakai Kayman lah. Sebab dia macam all-in-one. Aku ada banyak, so aku ingat nak habiskan je. Dia cakap dia tak larat dah nak bangun, pastu aku cakap takpelah, nanti dah cukup masa aku datang cabutkan. Aku pakaikan sheet mask tu kat muka dia, sambil dalam kepala humming dreamily, then aku keluar bilik.

Dah habis kemas bilik depan, aku pergi ruang tamu nak lipat baju. Masatu dah pukul 2 pagi jugak. Awal-awal lipat baju tu, aku rasa aku okay lagi. Tiba-tiba dada aku dah rasa constricted gila, rasa tak tahan dah, berhambur lagi air mata aku. It felt all too much at once. Entahlah dah berapa lama aku tahan sampai macam tu sekali. Dan aku fikir, biar je lah aku nangis tengah pagi ni, daripada nangis esok hari. Dah reda sikit, aku raup muka, to get a grip of myself, tapi makin ribut pulak. Aku fikir, nangislah aini habiskan, tapi tangan still kena jalan lah, kalau tak pukul berapa kau nak tidur ni. Kalau ikutkan hati, nak je aku baring, and curled in a fetus-like position, but obviously, I couldn’t afford that. Not even that.

"My capacity for weeping is really becoming grotesque affliction"

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Aku bukak pintu bilik dia perlahan dan duduk kejap tepi katil, nak make sure aku betul-betul dah bertenang. Kau tahu dalam kepala aku, aku fikir apa malam tu sampai majlis esoknya?

Yang all I want is to look at her, really took her in, carved the image of her permanently in my brain, but I couldn’t. It felt way too much for me just to do that. Touching her was of course out of question. I couldn’t handle that, I don’t think I can, and I just don’t wanna risk anything. It’s just too unbearable just really to look at her, looking right into her eyes, and really took her in.

Aku letak kepala dekat bantal, then kejap je lepastu aku dah lena. It was a damn good sleep walaupun tak sampai 3 jam tidur. Tidur yang sekejap je, tapi bila kau bangun tu, kau rasa dah lama kau tidur. I don’t remember she’s a rough sleeper tapi boleh tahan jugak dia tendang, tolak muka, sondol, and tolak badan aku malam tu. Tak larat nak alih dah.

Tapi kan, aku rasa memang ada beza lah bila kau tidur dengan orang yang kau rasa selasa to be with, dengan tak.

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Few minutes before subuh, mama kejut tanya mana aku letak kerisik. Aku cakap ada aku alih, aku letak dalam peti sejuk. Kemudian aku bangun, siap-siap nak solat Subuh. Lepas solat, tengok luar, ingatkan Ezhar dah sampai, belum jugak. Aku pergi ruang depan, kemudian aku ada bau tak sedap. Bedebah punya kucing, kau boleh berak dekat beranda yang orang dah siap-siap susun?!

Jadi awal pagi tu, kerja aku sental lantai beranda sampai aku puas hati. Kemudian aku kemas bahagian bawah sikit-sikit. Tengah-tengah aku kemas, Abang Pian datang, bawak sekotak oren. Banyaknya oren!

Aku berdiri kejap depan tangga, jenguk bahagian belakang rumah. Nampak mama mintak Abang Pian rasa, okay tak lagi lauk yang dia tengah kacau. Aku dah tarik senyum. Mama ni, semua orang dia mintak rasa. Kejap lagi, Abang Pian pulak tolong kacau kawah.

Masatu aku teringat, merde, aku terlupa, I was supposed to film all these, especially that; mama and babah looked really honored to prepare all the food from scratch. Bila aku tengok dorang, I could really see that, honour and pride. And that made me smile.

Oh c’mon, you’re not wondering if I helped or not, aren’t you? 

Bila tengok mama, I remember that I caught a glimpse of her being overwhelmed yesternight. Such a range of emotions she wore on her face last night. Mom was obviously nervous and tense. She went to sleep early and I was imagining she cried to sleep. And that image of her brought me back to what Babah said a day before, that it has been days since the last time he was able to sleep at night, as he was obviously wired the whole week before the wedding.

That makes me think, how much it takes to be a parent?

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Kemudian aku masuk rumah and pergi basuh pinggan untuk tetamu nak guna nanti. Aku dah tak boleh nak rasa pinggang aku, tapi aku fikir takpe, tak lama dah nak habis. Siap yang tu, aku masuk dapur, keep cleaning whatever there was that needed to be cleaned. In a way, to keep myself distracted jugak.

Akad took place around 11 tak silap, and a few minutes before akad tu, the cool Najiah tiba-tiba gelabah teruk, siap jerit tak nak kahwin. Kak Hajar nampak nervous gila dari awal dia sampai, sampailah Najiah nak akad. Akad went smoothly, alhamdulillah, and I still couldn’t really look at her like I want to. There was one time, she looked at me and smiled nervously. I asked God, how could someone to be that gleaming and saccharine at the same time?

Everything went well, alhamdulillah, si monmon siap tak lepas tangan al-Jarrah masa dorang atas pelamin lepas selamat kahwin! Monmon nampaknya semakin tidak menghormati mereka yang sendiri seperti saya! Jkjk. All that matters if she’s happy, and she obviously is, and that’s enough for me.

AND! The teary aini didn’t cry at all. AT ALL, ALL DAY! And it took her another few days for all the pain in her legs to go away, but God, I think, it’s all worth it.

p/s: There’s surely a continuation to this, I’m still working on it in my head, and had decided, will only include that in my letter, not to the public.

p/s/s: I’m thinking if I should write about the chairs of theirs, which was hilarious enough to me.