Console

For the past few days, I've been in a deep reflective mode. 

I've been thinking a lot about what I felt and what I had written in my letters in those days, saying there's no one I could turn to, to really talk about what I felt on the inside, that it's lonely, and frustrating. 

Looking back, I realised I was ignorant, ignorant to Him and to those people I lamented those words when I said that. I was way too self-absorbed, and in a way selfish, not only to Him, but more importantly to myself. I didn't do myself any favour when I thought I did. 

And now I'm older, I look back a lot to what I said, and every time I did that, embarrassment slowly crept under my skin. Looking back thoroughly, how I could say that when I have Him, The All-Knowing? Does it actually reflect how truly distant I was from Him? 

This reminds me of what Shaykh Hamza Yusuf said, if we turned away from God's remembrance, we will have a constricted life. And that much of what's happening to us is a result of deep forgetfulness of the Him, the Creator. 

I remember reasoning with myself that's a different case. Telling myself I'm a human, and it's a need to connect with the same human being, when we're created as social animals. But every time I turned to people, it's always disappointment I got in return. Every single time. Being a classic avoidant case I was/am, I always long for this deep connection which is hardly available (even if it's there, I'd tell myself over and over again, maybe I don't deserve it).

I was too cooped up in my frustration that I didn't see it as a redirection for me to reach out for Him more often, to let go of my high expectations of people and just come home to Him. 

I remember how I was parched, craving for the understanding of why these things happened to me, and why I am the way the I am, but at the same time blocking what's there God wants me to see. 

Tuhan susun takdir kita dengan penuh hikmah, dan kadang kita tak nampak terus kesan dan kebaikan aturan dia, sebab kadang, untuk kita boleh faham sesuatu perkara, it can take years for us to get the whole picture, why this and why that. 

Sebab tu mereka kata, setekun mana kita nak faham sesuatu perkara, kadang kita takkan faham terus, sebab sesetengah kefahaman itu datang dengan usia. 

Dan setiap daripada kita ada membawa kesedihan sendiri yang berbeza-beza, walaupun dengan penuh keterlukaan, dan kadang kesedihan itu tidak pernah hilang, kekal setia, dipikul sepanjang jalan kehidupan, cuma yang membuatkan kita mampu kekal berjalan, penerimaan, pengharapan dan pengetahuan tentang hikmahnya.

Kadang payah kita nak akui yang we are in good hands, tapi we are. We are in good hands. And our heart is His only domain, and may He soften it for us to understand the wisdom within every happening, amin. 

Seek, and you shall see.