The Emotionally Absent Mother (A Book Review)

 

This is such an important read. And if I’d come up with Berdamai Dengan Diri Sendiri book-starter-pack, this book will be on the top of the list.

Reading the first few parts of the book, honestly, it wasn’t easy for me. It's triggering at some points. And I can't see myself to stop talking about it, as there are lots to be shared and discussed and I humbly would recommend this to everyone, to find out what we really have missed or simply how to mother better. 

This is not about who to blame. We have passed that, and it's time to look beyond that. It’s time to find out the big WHY; why the wounds happened at the first place, what caused it. Only after we get a better understanding of the bigger picture, we ask the  CRITICAL question; what can be done to improve things, for ourselves and our future kids?

Call me naïve, but I only found out after reading this book that attachment is a human need and never a bad thing. Maybe my mind was too messed up to actually see that all this time. There are healthy and unhealthy attachments, and there are reasons what might cause attachment to be unhealthy. It's being discussed in chapter 3; Attachment as our first foundation, which to me is one of the most interesting topics to be read. 

I was struck by a huge relief that my eyes got teary when the author said that she hope the first few chapters would help us to get a better understanding of the connection between what was missing in our childhood with the difficulties we are struggling now as an adult. Because I understand exactly what she's trying to convey as I understand a lot better now, why this and why that. Some of my big questions finally being answered.

Nobody suggested this book to me. I saw it once when I was window shopping on Book Depository and its title is too intriguing to be ignored and I added it to my wish list after reading the synopsis. And I swear to God, Book Depository has been suggested great books to me. Books that I saw nobody recommends but actually deserves better recognition. When you really like certain books, go to Book Depository website and scroll down to 'people who bought this also bought' and skim through. 

 

Robert Karen in his compilation of research on attachment:

“Virtually all children, even abused children, love their parents. It’s built into the nature of being a child. They may be hurt, disappointed, caught in destructive modes of being that ward off any possibility of getting the love they yearn for, but to be attached, even anxiously attached, is to be in love. Each year the love may become a little more difficult to access; each year the child may disavow his wish for connection more firmly; he may even swear off his parents and deny that he has any love for them at all; but the love is there, as is the longing to actively express it and to have it returned, hidden like a burning sun”

 

“It is not easy to give of yourself if you still have many unmet needs. Yet mothering requires constant giving.”

“How we are put together, how we see ourselves, our sense of self-esteem, our unconscious beliefs about relationship—all of these are strongly imprinted by our mother. She is not the only influence, but she and our interactions with her provide the basic building materials for all of these things.

Whether we feel that basic material as nourishing or toxic is largely determined by the quality of our interactions with our mother. It is not what Mother does that is so critical, but rather her energetic presence and her love that are so important. Is she spaced out or angry while feeding her baby? ”

 

“We can even meet some of these needs for ourselves as we mature, understanding that the undermothered child is usually still alive in an adult, still needing what it needed then.”

“Love is probably most effectively communicated by nonverbal means, including touch, tone of voice, eyes and facial expression, body language, and attentiveness. When the environment provides a secure sense of holding and containment (such as provided through boundaries and rules), this also feels like love.”

“A sense of safety is essential for a child to be able to relax and explore. Without safety, we may never learn to really go out into the world. Without our caretaker’s protection, our only protection is to stay small and build defensive structures into our personality.”

 

"For a young child not to feel wanted is to have no solid ground."

“When we are consistently not seen, it can lead to feeling invisible and an uncertainty that we are real. The feeling of unreality can be subtle and generally unconscious, or it can be quite pervasive and disorienting.”

“We may develop a sense of unworthiness and shame or fail to actualize our true potential. This can also set us up to be too accommodating to other people rather than stand behind ourselves.”

“When we don’t get a sense that Mother wants to meet our needs, we can believe, “My needs are shameful or a burden. I shouldn’t have needs.” We feel alone in our experience.”

 

Undermothered

“Yes, you got enough mothering to survive, but not enough for the kind of foundation that supports healthy self-confidence, initiative, resilience, trust, healthy entitlement, self-esteem, and the many other qualities we need to thrive in this challenging world.”

“As babies, we had no way of meeting our basic needs and were entirely dependent on others to be responsive to our calls for help. When our needs are consistently met, we feel secure and trust that help will be there. Without this, we learn that care is not available, the world doesn’t feel friendly or supportive, and we feel more insecure and mistrustful. We don’t know that we will have what we need, which jeopardizes our basic sense of trust.”

“It doesn’t help if the first responder goes to the wrong address, offers shelter when what’s needed is food, or insists on giving you what you don’t want. In psychological parlance we call this accuracy “attunement.” Mother as First Responder will be helpful to the extent she is attuned to her child’s needs. This is especially true for the early years before language.

This attunement and responsiveness to needs provides what is called a holding environment. With it, we feel held. This function is also what leads to self-regulation (described next in Mother as Modulator).”

“To modulate something is to make sure it’s not too strong and not too weak, but falls within a more optimal range. ”

“Through her response, she teaches the child how to deal with disappointment, frustration, anger, loss, and the many powerful experiences of life.

Without Mother as an effective modulator, we don’t learn to effectively manage our emotions. Either we cut off feelings, or our emotional states tend to spiral out of control. Anger turns into rage, crying to hysteria; we can’t contain our excitement, frustration, sexual impulses, or anything else.

Learning to modulate our internal states is called self-regulation or self-modulation. It is something the nervous system for the most part controls, but it is learned initially by the mother standing in for the developing nervous system and by meeting the child’s needs before he gets totally overwhelmed. Mother as Modulator serves as a cushion to the child’s fragile nervous system while it is developing.”

“Healing is possible even though it might require times and serious commitment. Otherwise, we’ll keep repeating the same mistakes and the broken cycle.”

“There is grace in the healing process, so although it’s not like one good cry can make up for years of repressed sadness, it can take you further down the field than you might think.”

“Although the process of healing never really ends, the hurt may.” 

“As we work through these wounds, our identity slowly changes. After all, our story has changed. Our life has changed. And it’s time for the internal narrative to change as well.”