Limitation

 Assalamualaikum everyone. It’s pouring rain outside and I just recovered from cold, just a common one, nothing serious. Alhamdulillah.

So, I came into a tweet from a respected fellow early this morning which he said;

“The saddest lesson from surah Yusuf is that the closest people in your life are not always the ones who love you the most.”

And just like that, I cried. I just can’t help but to sob. It’s a sad, hard truth for some of us.

And it makes me think of the big lesson that I learnt last year, of letting go. At some point, last year was a hard one. I learnt to let go of some people that I loved deeply, to the point that I thought I could die for them. Really.

I just loved them so much that only by the thoughts of them could bring heavy tears out of nowhere. I cried when they were around, I cried when they were away. Whenever I make prayers for them, I couldn’t help but to ask really desperately, in hope God would grant them instantly, putting them at ease all the time.

Letting go was hard for me because I was scared and terribly worried if I could love that much again, so deeply that I always found myself drowning in it. I didn’t care much if they loved me as much as I did, maybe they did love me in a way I didn’t see (no sense of confidence detected hah).

A reciprocal love doesn’t always have to mean it vibrates on the same wavelength.

It’s mutual but only with different intensity. 

Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean to stop loving them entirely, which I don’t know if it’s possible when you used to love them so much. But I learnt to slow down, to take a step back and reassess everything, not allowing yourself to be ruined and my self-worth being tromped and questioned, again and again but to love them only as much as it should be. 

And in that way, we wouldn’t crumble easily.

I faced a lot of betrayals in my life that it feels almost impossible for me to trust anyone anymore. It makes it even harder for me to let new people into my life. And this always leaves people confused, or simply give up on me right before I was ready to let them in. I am aware that it creates another pain to me but only a bearable one. So, it’s okay. I'm adjusting. 

I remember how hard it was to persuade myself to trust again. It was in 2016 if I am not mistaken. It was nothing big like a relationship or so, it was only trivial matter, only for self-practice. And I still remember how I found a huge comfort in that moment when I realized it was not so bad to trust someone again. And how that mere realisation brought tears to my eyes right in that moment.  

If you ask me if I truly trust you, I might find it hard to say no, when the answer is simply no.

I guess this is why you rarely heard I said “I miss you too”, “I love you” and those similar stuff. To be frank, I rarely miss people and when they said they missed me, it always left me confused. Even if I did miss them in a slightest, I’d give it a hundred times to think it over, if I should say it out loud, and if I say it, would my words carry enough meaning to it. I know they are just words but I never like the idea of taking my words lightly, especially those words that seem to carry heavy meaning. And I truly hate it when people’s action simply doesn’t align with their words. I understand that we can be forgetful at times but I think, if we truly mean every word we said, we will remember them.

Talking about trust, it reminds me exactly what the same respected fella said on lessons we could learn from Marriage and Sexuality in Islam by Imam al-Ghazali which we should never trust anyone. Ever. And it’s okay to be selfish because most of the time, kita je yang selalu peduli when they don’t even care.

It was somewhat similar to what my Human Communication lecturer said once, never give your whole trust to your partner.

And how I still remember my Water & Soil Quality Management lecturer said, never to trust anyone. Not even himself or what he said. Always double check on everything. I like it when he said that.

Kalau baca buku pun kita tak boleh ambil 100% daripada apa yang kita baca, apa lagi dari mulut orang. 

Sure, we can love deeply, but only in a moderate sense.

Deep yet moderate, deep but rational.

Good night everyone.