Meaningful Touch

 I was sitting on the ground, knees locked close to my chest, with my head down. He came out of nowhere, enclosed me like an envelope, bringing my back close to his chest, carefully embosomed me with his hands. My body stiffened as I resisted the touch.

He didn’t take my resistance as a sign of rejection but a drive for him to just keep still. I liked how his touch reflected his consistency, collectedness and a deep awareness of the situation. It was palpable enough to me that my resistance slowly melted away and I could feel my hard, high wall was on the verge of a complete shatter. The reflection I felt, made me wanted to succumb in him and before I knew, I started to sob, dampening his right arm with my everflowing tears.  

Earlier, I took the pleasure of being vocal about my frustration, but never my intention to guilt trip him, or being needy of his touch. Simply because I wanted to voice out what I feel on the inside.  

At times, it feels good to let your guard down with the right people.

And it always feels good to be touched in a very attuned way. [My definition of ‘attuned’ is exactly the same in The Emotionally Absent Mother book]

Sometimes, being in a state of dream can feel very addictive to me, because of how good I feel in it and how good it made/makes me feel [afterwards]. My dreams are usually the depiction of my deep, strong needs, mix with frustration, good memories and my deep, locked fears.  

And I like how I am usually very expressive in my dreams, able to speak my needs without any hesitation, able to wallow in the sweetness of rage, vulnerability, contentment and sadness that I feel like a total human. It feels foreign sometimes, because there’s time it makes me feel very uncomfortable to see the repressed sides of me being visualized in a very vivid way. 

My real life involves a lot of emotional restraints and it is tiring when you are the type to feel all sort of emotions very deeply. But anyhow, I learnt not to see that as a weakness but to feel joy about it. When you have a lot to pour but scared/worried if it’s going to be too much for certain people that it’d cause spillage or flood to their space, so, you keep them all to yourself because you don’t want to overwhelm anyone, even your loved ones. Until at one point, you don't know anymore if you're able to articulate them in words.

 Listen, if it's too much, say it. You need to know that there are some people out there, that took honor in bearing your suffering, it makes them feel happy that you feel safe to share it with them. And trust me, the hardship you feel to reach out is nothing compared to the pain caused by bottling things up. 

It feels sad to think that vulnerability is made a choice these days. People should be okay with it. We should feel okay to be vulnerable with ourselves, with our people and with God. 

Quote of the day: Words affirmation and physical touch are human needs, not simply a want. 

When was the last time you received a really good hug which it made you feel so good just to be yourself? When was the last time someone said some kind words that touched you in a way that made you feel you're a lot worthy than you think?