Warmth

While getting ready for my iftar, I was flooded with feelings and memories, that made me crave so much more for warmth than it was. I took the cup that filled with hot tea and hold it in my palms. It had gotten warm, just the perfect warm for my liking. 

Feeling pleased and relieved, I sipped the tea. 

I was at the brink of tears but was forced to blink it away because there were people going in and out of the kitchen incessantly. I was indignant, defeated and in the crackling of ire, thinking, why we always said things that we don’t really mean? It wasn’t unfair. Not just to us but also for themselves. Why would we want to trade that fleeting satisfaction with lasting regret, when that’s only going to draw away the people we love, creating an outstretch, far-fetched gap. The very thought had finally overwhelmed me. It was always there before, nagging at the back of my head.

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In the very moment, I was reminded of the uncle, how he always said that I am full of potentials, that I need to take care of myself well. I received that a lot from random people saying how they see such a potential in myself, to the point I had become indifferent to it. I would always brush off the awkwardness of their words with a mild laughter. Behind the open door, I would always find myself crying defeatedly over their words, when I always found myself incapable of seeing things that they saw inside of me. There were times I was filled with a vigour to prove them right but came crushing down because I didn’t I have what they thought of me. That I am just the very ordinary woman. 

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The thought brought me to the question I received. 

It was in the evening, and I was just done buying my dinner at the night market. I looked at the back of the person, her familiar gait with the very one shawl style, and I called out for her. She turned around and walked towards me. I remember feeling giddy and looking at her expectantly. We changed remarks and then she came to the very question;

Are you happy?

Are you happy?

Are you happy?

When being bombarded with such a question thrice, I couldn’t help but to ponder on my answer afterwards. To question myself how far the truth behind it. If I really meant it. I answered yes with such a gusto. Looking back, I was happy (I think), to finally being able to feel belonged at one place, which it took me by surprise (that I was capable to experience such majestic feeling). Where everyone had their own quirks, that my own didn't have to stand out so much. 

How the word happy itself is very objective. 

Now, let me ask you a better question; what makes you feel happy today?