It's 5 in the morning. I think it's been almost a month that I'm back to this messed up sleep cycle of mine which I don't sleep at night, not until the sun rises. I usually spend my night reading, and watching movie/kdrama in between. It's really taking a toll to my mind, I could feel how tired my body is but I just couldn't fall asleep at night anymore. I know I can reset the whole thing to normal again but that's gonna take some time tho.
It was my birthday few days ago. I felt solemn which was not as bad as how I felt in my past birthdays. I cried myself to sleep after dawn and woke up later in the afternoon. Mom bought me a sponge cake with full of sugary icing on top which was definitely what I craved for. Also some proper home-cooked meals. I wished for that too, a few days before my birthday and God granted the wish, and I felt thankful.
I also have been craving for those greasy, crunchy fried chicken for my birthday but I think that craving can wait.
I have so much shit in my head and I realise, that also contributes on how I keep losing people I love. We stop talking for some time now and later, all I know, there's no more us. That we, had either faded or simply ended. Instead of stopping them, I let them to walk away. Or maybe I HAD pushed them away a little; with my silence.
It must be so hard for them to understand how twisted I could be. My paranoia, my anxiety, ripened fears, too much overthoughts.
Marriane from the Normal People and Bu jeong from Lost, you add these two together and you'll get how I feel most of the time. You mightn't want to find out how exactly is that, I'm afraid that's gonna be too much for you to bear.
And how it seems like my life will end up like Xiaoxiao in Us and Them. Those characters make me felt so heard and how I'm so thankful to the writers for making me feel not so alone in this bottomless chasm when nobody ever gets me.
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