His Perfect Timing

"Allah SWT will always give us the missing pieces of our life's jigsaw puzzle when we are ready for it, we just have to keep on keeping on."

There were a few things that came to my mind this morning, when I read the weekly Aidaa Azlin Tuesday love letter. 

My whole life, I always wonder why I feel so out of the place wherever I go. And when I am in a room full of people, I would always be among the early ones to leave. It is not the people in the space that overwhelm me, it is the voices in my head. They would knock my skull so fervently, getting hyper with the surrounding, and left me with such a weariness. 

And I think the alienation I feel, it gets reflected so plainly and translates on my appearance in public. People's first impressions of me always would be snobbish, cold, demure and very much distant. When in fact, I am only feeling confused having to cater with all the never ending questions in my head, about myself, things and people. I am socially awkward and people call me weird all the time. Sometimes with a strong disgust on their face. Some nice people rephrased that and said I was unique, one of a kind, which also meant weird in some ways. I was also called crazy so many times since I was very young too. 

There was once I came back to my class from helping a teacher, only to find out my desk, chair and my bag, were being scribbled with one word, crazy, all over them. Made me feel sad and defeated. I was 11 and I know kids can be so mean. I hope my future kids would never do such things to other people, and I hope they would be able grasp the weight of their words even at the young age. 

Of course I was hurt but most of the time, I felt perplexed with what they had to say about me. Because I don't even know if we know each other that well. And now looking back, I realised those people were only saying what they thought of me, not really the fact of me. (But at some points, I do think I am weird). And everyone can have opinions but that does not make their opinion matters. And now I am older, I know now, that whatever comes out of our mouth, is the reflection of our heart and mind, not really the reflection of those people we are talking about. 

I was not mad nor I am still mad for what they said to me, but they did make me wonder if I am really sick in the head. And with everything I felt on the inside. Since I was young, every time I got the opportunity to use any desktop, I would google away my symptoms, those whys. I was always looking, searching for answers which nobody around me seems to have the explanation I want/need. And I realised, it takes a lot for some of us, especially adults to admit they do not have the answers to our questions. They tend to feel overburdened with the hanging questions, at times challenged, so they turn our curiousity against us. So their insecurity of not knowing would not be too constricting. I wish they know that it's okay not to know everything. Aren't we all in the search of some answers & meaning of life? 

For my whole life, I am always looking for depth. Depth in people, in things and answers. And the people I met, they rarely have the depth that I look for, and to come to that realization again and again, has carved this strange longing inside of me. When I meet certain people who I can really talk to, they make me realise how parched I am for this kind of connection between two people, thinking, oh it is actually, truly possible. And how true human connection can feel so magical. The joy it brings out of me, oh how it feels so revealing! 

Only recently, these past few years, Allah has enlightened me with most of the answers I've been looking for since I was small. Why I feel the way I feel, why I am the way I am. For example, my very poor sense of direction, is actually related to what I had been through. It felt almost shocking when the first time I found out, and very much a sad thing, but I am so thankful to know. And so happy to report, my sense of direction is getting better, and I am so humbled to see myself to be able to grow in the smallest ways possible. 

 There were times I feel so helpless of not knowing but then when I get the answers and was made capable to understand why the things happened, it dawns on me that His timeline has been perfect all this time. 

And He truly knows the things we don't know. Allah knows the things we do not know. (2:216)

And that very verse would be my verse of the year. On how only now it brings huge comfort and reassurance to me. Just like during last year, the saying of, we are so much resilient than we think we are, to hear that from time to time, always made me cry but there was also a huge comfort slipping in and holding me in warmth. 

What is life without struggles, right?