Unhinged Menses

 I have a new fear. This is not merely a premonition anymore, it’s a confirmed fright that I have to face every single month.

Of course there’s a few reasons why I am always excited to hit my monthly menses but the week, those few days, right before I have my period, my emotional state will always turn haywire, to the point I feel slightly traumatised. If most people will always get so much more angrier for no solid reason, mine always falls on the darker side. Those anger they felt, it never came to me, to the point, I had this strange hankering for it, at times. 

All I felt was a heavy longing, deep uselessness and huge sadness mixed together which felt like I was in the abyss of emotions, and there I was, curled like a ball, wasn't able to stop crying in such a discomfort and pain. Then, it made me start to long for total quietness, and the calmness where the sky and sea convened. 

I feel helpless that I have to go through this fight for all those upcoming months. I don’t know if I ever will get used to it since people said we’ll never get used to pain, which I heavily have to concur. 

I hate (fear) my monthly menstruation for the main package it comes with; the unbearable emotional and physical pain. Not to add how my hair becomes a lot dryer and my skin turns haywire. And this erratic state of my body and mind will remain, usually until the first few days of menses. 

Those anticipation of my body is what wrecked me. In Him, I seek refuge. 

But I love it because it’s the only time my sahara skin will become oily! I envy those with oily skin because having an oily skin, it only means that your skin is so much more resilient. And! Of course because I could focus more on my reading. 

See, every pain comes with relief, and every sadness, will be washed away by happiness.  

Life is a constant fight for someone like me.