Book Review - No Longer Human

 

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai

176 pages | Literary fiction, Japanese lit, classic 

It is a story of Yozo, a male protagonist which felt alienated from the society since he was young. Referring himself as a clown (and once a toad) for acting jovial and funny in order to hide his true self to be able to blend well in society despite his deep anxiety and depression. He was sexually assaulted a few times when he was young and how he kept silence for the realization of favoritism will do him no good. Later in his life, he started to indulge in self-destructive behaviors to ease his suffering.

Wow, this book took me by surprise on how much I actually enjoyed reading it. A whole lot people said this is depressing and I certainly will not deny that as it only gets darker the more you read it. But I only realised how depressing the piece is, when I was in the last quarter of it. The first three quarter felt more to grim rather than depressing. But somehow, I believe, the definition of the word vary for every individual. It always makes me feel uneasy to use the word depressed, depressing or depressive as they carry such a strong meaning. Too heavy to take it lightly. I refuse to say I am in a similar state but I will not deny the fact that how similar Yozo and I, and that it etched my heart. But what mostly fascinates me is the fact that, how this book represents a big part of me, and realizing that, it gives me a false sense of excitement and made me think a whole lot more about a lot of things.

The way he thinks, his thoughts, his perspectives on people and life events, even about how he thought of himself, all felt familiar and normal as everything is far too relatable to me, and how it truly felt like the author wrote this book based on my mind. It felt personal and I don’t see myself recommending this just to anyone.  

I personally do not feel exposed but somehow relieved (?) I think because of the fact how similar Yozo and I, and how his story makes some senses of my life and that, I feel less alone. If one day, someone came to me and ask,

“How sad can you be?”

I will not explain any longer but ask the person if they truly want to know, they can read No Longer Human, and they will get the deeper picture of my usual thoughts. And I bet how later the person will quietly wish to undo the whole thing (read: the question).

I find out that people had been comparing this book with The Stranger in some ways. What a coincidence I think, when I finished reading The Stranger right before I started reading this book. Both may seem similar but different. The first half of The Stranger, I like how routinely Meursault life felt like to me, and how the first half  made me repeat myself, saying in my head, 'this is totally my vibe'  but when the murder took over, I felt rather detached to the character but not the story as a whole. I always feel the connection between the character and myself is somewhat important for me. To make a better sense of things even though not everything has to make sense.

 I personally think it was a good one as it invokes important questions to oneself about humanity, system and society. It makes you asked yourself a whole lot questions that nobody seems to have solid answers. A good book will always make you question and ponder, and questions are always good.

Back to the earlier discussion, the major similarity that I can pinpoint from these 2 books is, how detached Yozo and Meursault from their deep sense of selves. You will get the idea how empty and hollow Meursault as a person, like a released helium balloon whereas no true sense of direction and it was simply out of reach (at least in my opinion). 

On the other hand, what can be explained by my massive connection to Yozo which contributed to the resonance I felt with the character is, how he actually feels very deeply, painfully inferior which makes him to think he not deserved of good things and how that notion led him to believe he doesn’t trust in basic human needs, when in fact he did feel the need of them. And his fragility, and how he is aware yet confused and always laden with questions which led him to wrong notions that seemed to drown him alive. He was far too broken to see, to trace back things. He was made blurry of his past and feelings.

There were a few scenes in the book that really shaken me up but I would love to write about this one particular scene where Yozo was on the brink of breaking and Flatfish and Horiki appeared out of nowhere, speaking and acting unlike their usual selves in intention to save him. And how Horiki’s gentle smile caught him off guard and that, he shattered completely. I was in the situation once and being present at such a critical point of life, you never expect how/what the simplest act like a sincere, gentle smile can do for a person in such state. That’s when I witnessed the rare beauty of allowing humanity to take control of such situations.   

This book is definitely not everyone’s cup of tea and I believe no one would want to read it for fun but you can definitely give it a try if you want some insights of life and on how depressed someone can be, that it mightn’t make any sense to you.  

 

 

 

 

You might wanna skip this

It's 5 in the morning. I think it's been almost a month that I'm back to this messed up sleep cycle of mine which I don't sleep at night, not until the sun rises. I usually spend my night reading, and watching movie/kdrama in between. It's really taking a toll to my mind, I could feel how tired my body is but I just couldn't fall asleep at night anymore. I know I can reset the whole thing to normal again but that's gonna take some time tho. 

It was my birthday few days ago. I felt solemn which was not as bad as how I felt in my past birthdays. I cried myself to sleep after dawn and woke up later in the afternoon. Mom bought me a sponge cake with full of sugary icing on top which was definitely what I craved for. Also some proper home-cooked meals. I wished for that too, a few days before my birthday and God granted the wish, and I felt thankful. 

I also have been craving for those greasy, crunchy fried chicken for my birthday but I think that craving can wait.

I have so much shit in my head and I realise, that also contributes on how I keep losing people I love. We stop talking for some time now and later, all I know, there's no more us. That we, had either faded or simply ended. Instead of stopping them, I let them to walk away. Or maybe I HAD pushed them away a little; with my silence.

It must be so hard for them to understand how twisted I could be. My paranoia, my anxiety, ripened fears, too much overthoughts. 

Marriane from the Normal People and Bu jeong from Lost, you add these two together and you'll get how I feel most of the time. You mightn't want to find out how exactly is that, I'm afraid that's gonna be too much for you to bear. 

And how it seems like my life will end up like Xiaoxiao in Us and Them. Those characters make me felt so heard and how I'm so thankful to the writers for making me feel not so alone in this bottomless chasm when nobody ever gets me. 

Rating Fredrick Backman's Books!

Fredrick Backman aka my top favourite, a must buy writer! 

1) My Grandma Asked Me To Tell You She's Sorry – Reading this, really reminds me of those good old times I spent with my late tokwan and how I wish until now that I read this before the Britt-Marie Was Here! 

2) Britt-Marie Was Here – I remember reading this during Ramadhan in few years back and I loved how Backman tackled on the character that, in real life can seem irritating, plain, or someone that typically people want to avoid, those that people don't really give a shit about. And most importantly, he did it beautifully and really made me feel the importance of appreciating every one of us as an individual. This was my first Fredrick Backman's book! Love love this! 

3) Beartown – I remember picking this up after finishing a series about ice hockey on Netflix. This book isn't just about ice hockey but tackles on rape culture. A very good read! (p/s: I find the miniseries was very underwhelming, ruining my imagination of the characters).

4) Us Against You – This one is the second book from the Beartown trilogy and this one I must say, it's a bit dragging in my opinion. Involved a lot of politics around ice hockey (politics and sports hm) but there were a few scenes that were so screen-worthy. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FINAL BOOK, THE WINNER THAT WILL BE OUT NEXT YEAR (THE TRANSLATION). I NEED A GOOD ENDING FOR MY BENJI AND LEO. 

5) Things My Son Needs To Know About the World – A memoir, a sort-of a guide, and letters to his first childborn. Reading this, how it struck me that all his books are really some fractions of him as a person. I took a pride on being able to see the some pieces of him in each of book.

6) Anxious People – I LOVE THIS BOOK THE MOST AMONG HIS OTHER BOOKS! I cried so many times and wasn't able to stop because this just hit home, and the ending was hella comforting, like a warm hug your mother gives. For a better experience, read it in late December :) 

The Death of Vivek Oji (A Book Review)

 Henlo.

I nak tulis pasal buku yang I baru je habis baca semalam. I baca buku tu dah lama, I think in august kot, pastu I stopped halfway sebab I simply felt digusted and tricked reading it.

Ni lah bukunya, tak tebal mana pun. Dua ratus empat puluh lima pages.

Teruk sangat buku sampai I guna perkataan disgusted?

It’s a book pasal this boy yang struggle untuk bawak identity dia as a gay boy, lagi-lagi dengan dia punya race yang menolak keras benda ni. Vivek ni African btw. Dorang suka merujuk orang-orang yang macam ni sebenarnya sakit and need help. Haa betul lahtu, kalau pada I, dorang ni sebenarnya confused and benda ni seems like sesuatu yang kau boleh instill dalam kepala, lagi-lagi bila kau dedahkan diri kau dengan surrounding yang menyokong ke arah tu, yang lagilah buat kau mula percaya yang tergolong dalam kalangan mereka.

I jenis bila I baca buku, I nak buku tu boleh bagi something pada i. and for that, bila nak beli buku, I akan make sure I baca reviews betul-betul, so that takdelah jadi isu nak baling buku or bakar buku semata geram.

I rasa proses nak beli buku ni yang macam antara paling lama. A lot of people mentioned yang it’s the book pasal identity, I ingat sebab dia black yang tak diterima dalam masyarakat US ke apa, sebab reviews yang I baca memang tak tunjuk sikit pun buku ni ke arah itu.  

Yang buatkan I lagi disgusted sebab I sebenarnya somewhat dah janji dengan diri sendiri takmau dah baca buku yang ada unsur-unsur gini. It feels sick. Pastu bila baca then turns out pasal tu, nak marah gak la dengan diri sendiri. Itu yang halfway baca, I said no, then I letak tepi. I rasa marah gila sampai shaking, memang rasa nak baling je buku tu kuat-kuat kat dinding tapi I held back, reminded myself yang I bukan jenis baling-baling barang. Then letak dia dalam kotak.

Pastu masalah I, I benci buat kerja separuh-separuh, termasuk reading. Frankly, I ambil masa nak make peace with myself yang it’s okay kalau tak habiskan satu-satu benda, termasuk reading. Benda ni buat I tak senang duduk plus I geram nak tahu kenapa orang cakap buku ni sedih sangat kan. Itu yang semalam bukak kotak and decided untuk habiskan baca.

Kematian Vivek tu jadi tragic sebab dia macam mati gitu ja. And kalau orang cakap dengan baca buku ni akan buat kita lagi empathetic sebab struggle dia untuk menjadi diri dia sendiri dengan tekanan daripada masyarakat, not enough to me. Plus dia mati bukan sebab dibunuh sebab dia bawak identity dia tu pun, so it’s not enough untuk mengatakan it’s empathetic, tapi mungkin sebaliknya.