Console

For the past few days, I've been in a deep reflective mode. 

I've been thinking a lot about what I felt and what I had written in my letters in those days, saying there's no one I could turn to, to really talk about what I felt on the inside, that it's lonely, and frustrating. 

Looking back, I realised I was ignorant, ignorant to Him and to those people I lamented those words when I said that. I was way too self-absorbed, and in a way selfish, not only to Him, but more importantly to myself. I didn't do myself any favour when I thought I did. 

And now I'm older, I look back a lot to what I said, and every time I did that, embarrassment slowly crept under my skin. Looking back thoroughly, how I could say that when I have Him, The All-Knowing? Does it actually reflect how truly distant I was from Him? 

This reminds me of what Shaykh Hamza Yusuf said, if we turned away from God's remembrance, we will have a constricted life. And that much of what's happening to us is a result of deep forgetfulness of the Him, the Creator. 

I remember reasoning with myself that's a different case. Telling myself I'm a human, and it's a need to connect with the same human being, when we're created as social animals. But every time I turned to people, it's always disappointment I got in return. Every single time. Being a classic avoidant case I was/am, I always long for this deep connection which is hardly available (even if it's there, I'd tell myself over and over again, maybe I don't deserve it).

I was too cooped up in my frustration that I didn't see it as a redirection for me to reach out for Him more often, to let go of my high expectations of people and just come home to Him. 

I remember how I was parched, craving for the understanding of why these things happened to me, and why I am the way the I am, but at the same time blocking what's there God wants me to see. 

Tuhan susun takdir kita dengan penuh hikmah, dan kadang kita tak nampak terus kesan dan kebaikan aturan dia, sebab kadang, untuk kita boleh faham sesuatu perkara, it can take years for us to get the whole picture, why this and why that. 

Sebab tu mereka kata, setekun mana kita nak faham sesuatu perkara, kadang kita takkan faham terus, sebab sesetengah kefahaman itu datang dengan usia. 

Dan setiap daripada kita ada membawa kesedihan sendiri yang berbeza-beza, walaupun dengan penuh keterlukaan, dan kadang kesedihan itu tidak pernah hilang, kekal setia, dipikul sepanjang jalan kehidupan, cuma yang membuatkan kita mampu kekal berjalan, penerimaan, pengharapan dan pengetahuan tentang hikmahnya.

Kadang payah kita nak akui yang we are in good hands, tapi we are. We are in good hands. And our heart is His only domain, and may He soften it for us to understand the wisdom within every happening, amin. 

Seek, and you shall see. 

Hospital Trip (Part 4)

 Aku berdiri bersandar pada dinding, betul-betul menghadap pintu ruang kecemasan. Tangan aku penuh dengan barang, kasut Hurin yang tercabut masa naik stretcher, nasi bungkus yang mama beli untuk kami tiga beradik, beg pakaian Hurin dan barang-barang lain. Tadi aku ikut sekali masuk ruang kecemasan, tapi at the end, doktor yang ikut dari hospital sana bagitahu aku boleh tunggu kat luar. 

Bila dalam ruang kecemasan tadi, aku fikir, boleh tahan mental dorang yang kerja bahagian ni, dengan tekanan, dengan ruang yang terhad, dengan orang beratur panjang dekat luar. Surprisingly, those ED doctors nampak sangat chill, yang tenangnya terasa janggal dalam situasi sekeliling. Aku fikir, nothing much can shake them anymore at this point. 

Lama aku tunggu, akhirnya dorang keluar. Dorang mintak aku pergi daftar adik aku dekat kaunter sana. Sebelum aku lari arah, aku tertangkap yang doktor perempuan tadi audibly mumbling under her mask (breath) yang bukan salah dia, yang tadi dia kena marah dengan doktor dalam tu. 

Masa nurse bagitahu aku arah ke kaunter daftar, aku tak cuak macam biasa dah, sebab around that time, aku dah makin yakin dengan my sense of direction, sebab kalau dulu, teruknya Tuhan je tahu. Masa sekolah menengah, it took me a week, untuk tak sesat dari kelas ke tandas. Dan pernah sesat jugak dalam hospital yang sama, lepas habis check-up nak pergi salin baju, tapi alih-alih aku pergi bukak bilik, yang dalam tu doktor and nurse ramai-ramai. Dahlah muka pertama yang aku nampak bila bukak pintu tu, speacialist lelaki yang check aku tadi. I tried so hard to remember the paths that I took, but it never came to me. 

.

Ada lif, tapi aku decide naik tangga je lah, at least tak crowded. Tapi dah tengah-tengah panjat tangga tu, mengah tak terkata ya. Rasa macam nak give up. Bila dah sampai dekat katil Hurin, aku tercungap-cungap teruk. Aku perasan doktor dengan nurse tadi dah takde, cuma berganti dengan doktor lelaki, berdiri hujung katil Hurin. Aku nak duduk tapi segan sebab dia berdiri. Tapi aku duduk jugak sebab nak bertenang, gather myself balik. 

Dia tanya soalan. Banyak soalan, and he kept writing non-stop on the board he’s holding. I guess, he was doing history-taking. 

‘So, dia anak yang ke-berapa ya?’

‘Lapan.’ 

Bila aku jawab lapan tu, dia nampak terkejut gila. Aku fikir, oh, mungkin sebab dia terkejut adik-beradik aku ramai. Aku biasalah, memang jenis loading sikit. Tapi sebab dia nampak lain sangat dengan jawapan aku, I just couldn’t help myself.

‘Doctor, do I look that old?’

Nada aku tak mengusik, tapi sedikit kesal. Tapi bukan salah dia lah kot, sebab aku pun memang selalu berpakaian ala kadar je, asal selesa. Bila aku tanya tu, aku baru perasan, cantik betul mata dia. 

He gave me a questioning look. 

‘Saya kakak dia. Bukan mak dia.’

‘OhhhhHhhh kakak dia. Sorry, sorry’

Kemudian dia boleh pulak berating himself under his breath depan aku. Aku syak dia doktor baru sebab I don’t think an experienced doctor will let himself get caught that much. Terhibur betul aku. Aku kesian sebenarnya tengok dia berdiri, sebab nampak lah penat tu, aku nak offer kerusi aku, tapi takut tak proper pulak. 

Japgi kawan dia datang, dia boleh pulak pergi mengadu apa yang jadi tadi within my earshots. Pastu the female doctor balas balik dekat dia, padan muka. Dah aku nak gelak balik. 

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Masatu hari Jumaat. Aku ingat yang kalau jinjit kaki tengok ke luar tingkap, aku boleh nampak stadium. Aku fikir, nanti malam aku nak tengok betul-betul. Aku perasan yang katil sebelah aku was the only young father dalam kubikel tu. At times, I couldn’t help but to stare at the way he held his baby, the way he soothed her, and how he always put his baby on his chest and sent her to sleep. Bila kau tengok tu, kau boleh nampak how experienced he was, takde kekok sikit pun. Aku memang tabik lebih dekat lelaki yang well-versed how to handle young kids sebab bukan senang nak jumpa. 

Bila duduk dalam hospital, dan kau tengok sekeliling, kau seakan rasa tertampar yang kalau kau rasa keadaan kau dah teruk, orang lain jauh lagi teruk diuji. Dan in that moment kau sedar, Tuhan uji sesuai dengan kemampuan kita yang berbeza. Dan dalam setiap keadaan, ada benda yang Tuhan nak kita faham.

Najiah datang singgah kejap in between her rounds. Aku tanya dia nak tak nasi, sebab mama belikan untuk dia sekali. Dia ambil nasi, dan pergi, sebab dia pun bukan boleh lama-lama.

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Dah maghrib, Hurin pun selamat mandi apa semua. Aku duduk sembang-sembang kosong dengan dia. Then the father katil sebelah mintak tolong aku tengokkan anak dia, F. Aku pun macam okay, takde hal. Sebab tadi siang pun dah tolong tengokkan dia jugak. Tapi kebetulan aku tengah betulkan wayar Hurin, akak depan katil aku dah terjerit kecil, F! Dia pun tak boleh nak bangun ke apa sebab tengah susukan anak dia. Aku pusing, terus berlari pergi katil dia. Sikit lagi dia nak jatuh, melalui bawah palang katil. Aku tak tahu bila dia gerak, sebab baru je tadi tengok elok lagi. Aku keluarkan dia perlahan dari bawah palang, then terus dukung, peluk dia kejap. Nak luruh jantung aku masatu, Tuhan je tahu. Sambil aku dodoi dia, sambil zikir dekat telinga, aku sebenarnya cuba tenangkan diri jugak. Mata aku dah berair sikit. Bercampur baur semua rasa, rasa bersalah, rasa sayang, semualah. In between that, I kept apologising to her. Aku tak berani lagi nak letak dia, walaupun tudung aku dah basah dengan her drool. Comel je.

Then ayah dia datang, aku letak F perlahan balik atas katil. Kejap je lepastu, kakak aku datang, then nurse bagitahu aku dah boleh pindah katil luar, kat belakang, hujung wad. Kakak aku tolong bawak barang, then bila aku nak pergi tu, the father asked, dah nak pergi ke? Aku pun jawab ha’ah dengan muka bersalah.

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Angin malam tu sejuk betul. Dahla katil kitaorang betul-betul tepi tingkap. Najiah bawak satu plastik makanan, ada roti dan air manis. Dia dah habis shift haritu. Hurin nampak dah hyper balik, dah sihat sikit lahtu. Najiah duduk dekat hujung katil, aku duduk dekat kerusi tepi. Dia tanya aku tahu tak siapa the father yang sebelah katil aku tadi. Aku jawablah tak, tapi aku memang puji lah how well he handled his daughter. Rupanya dia doktor dekat hospital yang sama, aku pun macam, oh, no wonder dia tenang gila, and elok betul jaga anak dia. 

Bila Najiah duduk dekat hujung katil macam tu, aku rasa nostalgic, sebab dulu masa sekolah menengah, dia sukalah datang tiba-tiba dorm aku, tak diundang, kemudian terkam katil aku. Selalu dia datang tak buat apa, duduk, baring, then annoy aku tanpa sebab. Then datang doktor check nota Hurin dekat meja, aku pun terus berdiri. Lepastu aku cakap, Najiah, doktor datang tu. Then dia toleh belakang, then dia cakap, kau relaks jelah, member iah je tu. Lepastu boleh pulak dorang sembang kejap. 

Kemudian aku teringat yang, dah lebih 24 jam aku tak tidur. Lepas Najiah dah balik, and semua dalam wad dah tidur, aku sambung baca One Day.

Love

If anyone says I'm naïve at this point, I'll openly accept it. Because I think I have to finally agree with what my mom said, that I can be very naïve at times.

At 26 years old, it finally dawns on me that people could REALLY love you just the way you are. It takes me some times for the fact to really sink in. Honestly, to have the realisation finally hit me in the face, it left me baffled. 

Why is it kinda hard for me to grip the fact? Is it because I never think it's possible? It's never an issue for me, when it comes to loving other people just the way they are, but to be loved for just the way I am, I need time to process that. 

Sure, I always read or heard they said, you're enough. And I always thought, sure, maybe, I don't know. 

But to witness the happenings in front of you, you can't help but to think, oh, so it's true that;  with just being yourself, you can truly be enough for some people, and they are still gonna love you for whatever it is. 

Hospital Trip (Part 3)

Dejavú.

Itulah apa aku rasa after almost a year, aku ada dekat tempat yang sama, dalam situasi yang sama, dalam lingkungan masa yang sama jugak. 

Hurin kena tahan hospital lagi. 

Bila aku sampai nak take over tu, aku tak anxious macam dulu, walaupun aku still tak tahu nak expect apa. Kalau sebelum ni adik aku duduk dekat katil kiri, kali ni katil kanan. Dan aku perasan yang kalini, hospital ni nampak lebih tersusun dan bersih. Mungkin sebab covid dah tak seteruk dulu.

Sambil tunggu Hurin tidur, aku perasan katil belakang aku dah tiba-tiba berpenghuni, yang tadinya kosong. I took a glimpse at his resting face, and thought to myself, wait, I think I know him. It took me awhile to recognise, he was the guard from my previous school, where I worked. He looked relaxed and really taking his time, with eyes closed. He wasn’t wearing mask so it was easier to recognise. 

Dalam aku berkira-kira nak tegur dia dulu, dia dah tanya aku dulu hahaha. And we changed remarks and I asked if he was from home, and he said no, he was directly from work, and experienced shortness of breath while making his rounds and decided to come here before going back. 

What a small world, I smiled to myself at this thought. Aku selalu ingat orang takkan kenal aku bila aku pakai mask, sebab aku sendiri payah nak cam orang kalau dia pakai mask, lagi-lagi kalau orang tu dah lama tak jumpa. But of course it’s easier to recognise someone from their gait. 

Doktor panggil aku and Hurin masuk ward sebab memang kena bermalam dekat hospital dulu malam tu. I bid farewell to him sebab rasa macam rude je kalau pergi macam tu je without exchanging final remarks. I looked around the paed ward, settled down our belongings while listening to the chatters of the nurses behind the counter. I wondered if any of them was a parent to my students. 

Doktor cakap tak tahu lagi kena transfer hospital atau tak, sebab kena monitor dulu for a few hours. Aku pun macam okay lah. Hurin pun dah tidur atas katil, nampak lembik betul. Aku tak boleh nak tidur, rasa serba tak kena, kalau tak duduk, aku berdiri, tengok jam, kemudian buang pandang ke luar. Wad pun lengang, tak ramai orang, katil keliling aku pun kosong. 

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Matahari dah naik. Adik aku pun dah terpisat-pisat bangun. Doktor decide yang adik aku kena transfer jugak. Aku pun okay lah kalau macam tu, nak buat macam mana lagi. God bless the matron who lent her phone for me to call home. I was supposed to swapped places with mom but during last minute, the decision changed. Aku turun bawah and settled the bill. Then aku kemas barang kemudian tunggu nurse and doktor. 

Sempat jumpa mama babah before naik ambulance, plus mama passed a few barang Hurin jugak. I remember how I was choking in my own tears bila babah masuk ambulance sekejap untuk cium dahi Hurin. And I caught my sister’s expression, how she badly wanted to cry, but she intentionally looked away, suppressing herself from crying, putting on a straight face. I recognised that at a single glance, because I did that most of the time when I was at her age. Crying in front of them is always the last resort. To always hold back your tears, for whatever it takes. 

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to be sending your kid away, to another hospital, despite the situation. 

Peluk II

Ezhar, my nephew, my love. 

I remember how it was a weekend in December, and he finally had the pass to be brought home. I remember waiting for quite some times outside the ward with my brother-in-law, for my sister and Ezhar. I was giddy with excitement and how the birth of him felt like an early, special gift for my birthday that year, which fell on the next day. 

During one semester break, I went to their home, to look after him. He was still a small baby at that time, and my sister had finished her confinement period and had to go back to work. 

Taking care of a baby can take such a toll on you. He wasn't my baby but my sleeps also got affected at nights. By means, it was on my own choice, since I had become such a light-sleeper now I'm older. I changed his nappy, sent him to sleep, fed him, entertained him, and for those 3 months, I became very well-versed of his routine. His milking schedule, his sleeping schedule, what food he liked and disliked, and literally every little thing about him. 

I remember sitting in a McDonald's with my sister and we were discussing the quality of poop he had for that day and just comparing it with those in the past few days. It's nothing gross, really, but simply a crucial discussion to have, because a happy baby, will determine the wellness of his babysitter and his parents ahaa!

Taking care of him day and night had turned me into such a mess. I remember thinking if any man saw me in that state, they would definitely rush away, like seeing a ghost.

At one morning, I was at the brink of breaking down. I was totally stonkered, my exhaustion felt too heavy that I was almost at my limits, and from standing, I crushed down kneeling. Then I started sobbing whilst feeling guilty crying in front of a baby. 

I cried, cried and cried while feeling defeated, stupid, overwhelmed and everything all at once. Partly because I was exhausted and maybe partly hormonal and partly and naturally I'm a crier. I covered my face with my hands. Then I wiped my wet palms at the sides of my pants while sadly looking at him. He looked back at me, and surprisingly came crawling to my way, climbed my body and gave me a hug. I didn't know he was actually able to do that. I couldn’t help but to cry harder, and tightened the hug, at the same time trying to support him from his back. God knew how much I needed that hug. 

It was such a beautiful moment and I would always remember how I was filled with a feathery lightness. Kids are truly such a wonderment and God created them to be blissfully instinctive. 

The thing about kids, they tire us down, always there to test our limits, but they also have this one superpower which, with just a smile and giggle of theirs, all your misery and tiredness would be gone without a trace, and you feel like you are sure that you can do this again. 

In those trying yet beautiful period, we had grown attached to each other. I remember how he would instantly wail when I tried to walk away from him and my sister. Going to toilet, having a quiet meals, had become a real struggle. When he was sick, and there's nothing I could do, I'd cry from the other room. 

Now he's older, he'd sing all the songs that have the word "Tybaa" when he sees me. I remember the last Ramadhan how he'd sing the Ramadhan Tiba song and turned sheepish in front of me. He can be cute and annoying like that. 

There's one thing about him these past few years that makes me feel so loved. 

He'd always check on me in my room, or randomly came to me and give me a side hug after saying my name and look me in the eyes and senyum gedikly. 

He always comes to my room, to give me morning or night kisses, all over my face and a hug. I remember the first morning I slept in and he came to my room for his ritual, I could feel my face went hot (maybe I blushed atm, idk), I couldn't stop smiling because he makes me feel so loved.

And yes, I love to annoy him too at times, especially when I had spent too many hours with him haha. Thank God he's older now.

Peluk

The hugging in the car scene in Call Me Chihiro has lived rent-free in my head for almost a fortnight now. 

What makes it such a beautiful, poignant scene is, the telling/realisation that we all could use a good hug. Always. 

The alienation she felt, the deep loneliness she harbours alone, makes her character so much more relatable, at least for me. It can be awkward when someone offers us a hug in between a conversation, but we can see, how it surprised her when she figured how much she actually needed that. Her wall cracked in a warm embrace of a person she could call her ally from the same planet. 

Living with such a longing, an emptiness that nothing can really fit its true size, can be very hard and challenging. I finally realised after years of living, of how my religion and imaan are the greatest gifts that I could ever ask from Him. Because at the most trying times, that what saves me. He taught me the beauty in the language of hope, that whatever happens, there's always a glimmer of hope at the end of the road. 

If we, the people with religion, still have that very struggle at times, I could only imagine how hard it is for those without religion. 

Because it's our religion and His teachings that help to keep us centred and grounded. 

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In my high school years, I had this one female teacher who loved giving me random hugs. Not those loose, momentary hugs, but those firm and lasting ones. I remember at one time, I was standing alone at the corridor, waiting for my friend, and I was lost in my thoughts and she came out of nowhere and gave a warm backhug. I remember how instantly I felt my throat constricted which caused my eyes to well up with hot tears, which I had to constrain with all my might from it to break free.  

My invisible yet palpable concrete wall is always easily crushed by a mere touch. 

And up until now, I still wonder, if she could see right through me. If the tumultuous chaos within me is plainly obvious to her. Because with all the hugs she gave me, it felt like she knew more than I thought it was possible for other human beings to see. 

And I recalled the last time she came and gave me the biggest hug, I finally wailed in her arms. I had gone out of control, my bodily reaction was very confusing that I felt betrayed, but I just couldn't stop. Not anymore.

I was deeply confused at the moment and I wasn't even sure why I cried at the first place, was it because I was hit with realisation that no one would ever see me again like she did, now she's gone (?), I don't know, or maybe I know but I refuse to go to that depth. 

All the encounters we had, they felt almost fleeting but always left me choking in tears. We were not even that close, because  I'm the type who always prefers to keep people at a distance. 

I wish I could ask her the questions; 

Why the hugs? Did she actually see the image of me that I'm terrified for other people to find out? 

Or maybe not the demanding queries but enough with a heartfelt thank you, because those hugs of hers, did actually save me in some ways. And because, certain things are better left unsaid.