Wall fan

It's a wall fan.

I'll turn it off when it sounds too much in my ears that I can't hear my own thoughts. Even when it means to sweat all over. I can't do so much things at once. It's sensory thingy hm. It's important for me to hear what I'm thinking. 

I'll turn it on when the silence is too deep that it feels like it's slicing my skin, leaving me panicked, grabbling for the switch. White noises help me at times. Ahh, typing 'white noise' reminds me of that parenting write up on how parents should train their kids sleeping with some noises on. Learn something new? Hah! 

Despite all that, I do miss the total silence I experienced being under the water once when I was almost drowned in a pool. Is it something bizarre to say? Even though the thought of me wasn't fighting hard enough for my life has been bugging me since, which allowed myself to get distracted with the rare trainquility which the total silence had offered me. No, i wasn't distracted, i want both; to be saved but to stay underwater, wanting enough time to carve the tranquility in my memory. 

There were times I craved for it. But I can't swim and I hate water, I can't even stand wearing damp clothes. Does it make sense to crave for something that you are so scared of? No, is it possible to covet something from things we hate?

you love to ask such rhetorical questions, aren't u? why people ask questions which they know the answers? to gather confidence by garnering answers from all around? this is not about ppl, this is about u, human. 

hey stop rambling. go read something.

Familiar Thoughts

Hujan dekat luar dah berenti. The pattering of the rain has stopped, tinggal bunyi katak berulang-ulang, buat aku terfikir seberapa banyak kawanan katak yang dah keluar sekarang since the season has slowly transitioned?

Banyak gila benda dalam kepala aku sekarang, fikiran-fikiran yang menekan untuk dikeluarkan, persoalan-persoalan tentang manusia yang membentak untuk jawapan, atau paling kurang refleksi yang dalam, sekerasnya enggan diketepikan. 

Aku terfikir, apa dengan menjadi dewasa, kebolehan kita untuk merasa sesuatu emosi itu akan semakin hilang, dek kerana kita kerap kali menekan perasaan sendiri, berpura yang mereka tiada kepentingan. Adakah dengan menjadi dewasa, cuma benda yang seolah nampak berkepentingan berhak untuk perhatian kita? Sedang aku berfikiran tentang hal ini, di belakangnya ada ingatan tentang penulisan Dr. Gabor Mate tentang hal yang lebih kurang sama. 

And I'm thinking about those fictional characters whom we found so relatable; tak ke mereka menjadi bukti yang sebenarnya kita bukanlah sendiri, dan kepayahan kita tidaklah terlalu asing. We might feel that way because there's no one relatable in our circle, thus making us feel alienated, walhal ada mereka yang seperti kita, tapi cuma jauh dari gapaian. (Again, how books are a blessing). Aku jadi teringat apa yang aku cuba nak bantah dengan penulisan Dr. Beni sebab aku sebenarnya tahu sedalam mana benarnya perkataan dia. 

I always feel stupid when I cry over my words. How is it possible for anyone to be touched by their own words? Is that even possible? Is it common? If it's that common, maybe I can tell myself not to feel stupid next time it happens again. Bila jadi macam ni, aku terfikir yang mungkin sebab aku tengah hormonal, atau penulisan lama tu cuma menggemburkan balik perasaan yang aku dah lupa aku rasa bila aku tulis semua tu? Atau dengan membaca penulisan sendiri pada masa yang berbeza mampu untuk melahirkan perasaan baru yang asing, macam mana bila kita ulang baca buku lama? Entah, mungkin aku tak rasa penulisan sendiri ada kebolehan tu, lagi-lagi bila sendiri yang tulis, sendiri yang baca.