Unhinged Menses

 I have a new fear. This is not merely a premonition anymore, it’s a confirmed fright that I have to face every single month.

Of course there’s a few reasons why I am always excited to hit my monthly menses but the week, those few days, right before I have my period, my emotional state will always turn haywire, to the point I feel slightly traumatised. If most people will always get so much more angrier for no solid reason, mine always falls on the darker side. Those anger they felt, it never came to me, to the point, I had this strange hankering for it, at times. 

All I felt was a heavy longing, deep uselessness and huge sadness mixed together which felt like I was in the abyss of emotions, and there I was, curled like a ball, wasn't able to stop crying in such a discomfort and pain. Then, it made me start to long for total quietness, and the calmness where the sky and sea convened. 

I feel helpless that I have to go through this fight for all those upcoming months. I don’t know if I ever will get used to it since people said we’ll never get used to pain, which I heavily have to concur. 

I hate (fear) my monthly menstruation for the main package it comes with; the unbearable emotional and physical pain. Not to add how my hair becomes a lot dryer and my skin turns haywire. And this erratic state of my body and mind will remain, usually until the first few days of menses. 

Those anticipation of my body is what wrecked me. In Him, I seek refuge. 

But I love it because it’s the only time my sahara skin will become oily! I envy those with oily skin because having an oily skin, it only means that your skin is so much more resilient. And! Of course because I could focus more on my reading. 

See, every pain comes with relief, and every sadness, will be washed away by happiness.  

Life is a constant fight for someone like me. 

Subtle

So, mom told me in the kitchen, before iftar, that she couldn't tolerate or actually stomach the taste of plain yogurt (the recent one we had was from Fernleaf). That's actually answered my question of why she bought the strawberry-flavoured yogurt, a huge one even. I noticed how there's a resignation and nervousness in her tone of admittance, and she actually appeared timid when she said that. She must be worried I came up with the refined-sugar-is-the-true-culprit speech, which she was the one who told us countless of time. 

I always like plain yogurt. It's creamy and more on the sour side. It's perfect when I feel like resetting my palate. Well, mainly because I don't have to be overly self-conscious while eating it. And of course, it's good for my troubled gut. I've tried quite a variety of plain yogurt, from different brands. My favourite one is from Sunglo, which is a local brand (and hey, their vanilla yogurt drink is also my favourite!). But recently, I tried the lactose-free plain yogurt from Farmers Union, and it's actually really good, by means, I honestly think, those who cannot tolerate the blandness and the sourness of typical plain yogurt, especially from certain brands, they will definitely like it! Oh how blessed those with lactose intolerance. And among brands, plain yogurt from Farmers Union actually contains the least amount of sugar, just so you know, but their protein content is slightly lower than our local brand, Farm Fresh. 

On the other night, I was writing and mom appeared in front of my room, saying, she applied the unpleasant essence on her hand instead of on her face, which I replied, that's great, because I get it, it's so greasy despite the consistency, and how it takes such a long time to fully absorb.

Just that, and she went back to her room.

And later, I can't stop thinking about it. How fleeting it was yet there's something felt like worth pondering. I like the fact that she came to me, and told me about the very thing, when she could just keep that to herself, considering how unimportant it was, but she came to me. You know, I like it, I like it when in relationships, we are able to tell them even the most ordinary things, without the trepidation of being mocked or judged. Things that don't seem to have any importance but does hold an impact over time. And how the casualness of those moments, actually reflects security and safety, which is one of the key ingredients for a healthy relationship.

 There's no awkwardness (a bit of it, is actually welcomed), no adrenaline-rush, and how the sweet randomness could really bring smiles to my face. 

It feels like there's no holding back, and how it just flows freely, and how that feels liberating. Going through adulthood, you know how a huge sum of it is just about self-control; holding back, holding back and holding back. Not that I'm complaining, but at times, it can leave us feeling constricted, so it's essential to allow ourselves basking, and relishing in these small moments, which actually can help to lift up those heaviness, even if it's just a small part of it. We need them, those are what kept us alive. 

“He loved her for this, for her knowledge of the world and her knowledge of him. She didn’t seem embarrassed that he had asked such a question. Oh, he really was happy!”