Listen

 

I find this scene is so profound and how I really love it for that reason. Try to observe Lexi’s body language, how it reflects discomfort and nervousness and how she is hesitant at first and she covers that with being skeptical in general and how she almost retreat back to her shell when Sylvia's phone rang, but the moment she could confirm that Sylvia is really there for her, we could see her hard, high wall slowly crumbles. That her body signals that she feels okay to finally be all vulnerable in front of Sylvia and that, Sylvia who’s the one that makes it okay for her to be that with her at the first place. That’s how powerful a clear communication can do to us, humans. It makes it seem possible to be truly okay again, or at least convince us that, it is okay not to be okay. We feel heard in the moment of vulnerability, we feel seen and it enables us to see hope at the end of the road.

 I can’t stop replaying it for numerous of times as if watching this, gives me not only hope, but strength. I remember the first time I watched this scene, with tears welled up in my eyes, I quietly said to myself that I want this. I want to have this kind of conversation, where I could be all vulnerable, and looking right into the other person's eyes and see confidence; that they could take that in, pure interest and understanding. And even if the pouring scares them, they will not back away. I desperately want that to the point I am willing to pay someone to be that for me.

Is it selfish wanting to be listened like how I want to be listened? Or at least like how I listened? Is it something impossible to ask out of people? It deflects me, it’s upsetting how I never get the satisfaction like how I see people get out of confiding in others. 

Maybe I crave for such a deep emotional connection that it's hard to find people who can offer me that. It makes me think, if I could find someone that I could connect on such a deep level so well, I might do whatever it takes to keep them. 

I don’t know how much time I have before I explode, which I hope the time would never come. I don’t know how much I have in me to keep holding in. But one thing that I truly know, I want to unpack all this emotional baggage that I’ve been carrying since a long time ago, and how they hold me back from doing a lot of things, and how the weight of it has affected and consumed me all these years. And how I only want to enjoy the beauty of life the way it is.

Maybe they don’t have the capacity to listen well that it feels easier for them to dismiss people’s feelings. I don’t know.

Imagine if we are taught how to listen well. Imagine how many hearts we could save from being crushed. 

 

What My Mother And I Don't Talk About (A Book Review)

 

 I saw this book on my Instagram explore page; the fuchsia pink cover, and the title left me intrigued. I checked what the book was about and instantly added it to my library on my Books app.

I was on the first page of introduction and I instantly knew that I want to get the physical one and keep it to myself, and reread it from time to time.

It is a compilation works of fifteen writers which tell us about their mother.

Certain stories weren’t impactful enough, I mean, that’s normal, not the story of everyone’s life will intrigue us but there’s always something to learn from them. It could be because the writings were too short or stopped right before it got spicy. Writing the stories of our life, specifically about the relationship between us and our mother, that couldn’t be easy as we imagined.

I cried so much reading Nothing Left Unsaid by Julianna Baggott. I know it wasn’t specifically that sad but there were certain parts that I find triggering.

The most heartbreaking one to me was Her Body / My Body by Nayomi Munaweera. The one that got me with happy tears was Are You Listening? by Andre Aciman. I squealed the other day when I saw someone on Instagram story reading his book.

Reading Thesmophoria by Melissa Febos left me slightly confused.

I also loved My Mother’s (Gate) Keeper’s by Cathi Hanauer, Fifteen by Bernice L. McFadden, 16 Minetta Lane by Dylan Landis and I Met Fear on the Hill by Leslie Jamison.

And I know these favorites might change over time as my preferences and focus change. 

The Emotionally Absent Mother (A Book Review)

 

This is such an important read. And if I’d come up with Berdamai Dengan Diri Sendiri book-starter-pack, this book will be on the top of the list.

Reading the first few parts of the book, honestly, it wasn’t easy for me. It's triggering at some points. And I can't see myself to stop talking about it, as there are lots to be shared and discussed and I humbly would recommend this to everyone, to find out what we really have missed or simply how to mother better. 

This is not about who to blame. We have passed that, and it's time to look beyond that. It’s time to find out the big WHY; why the wounds happened at the first place, what caused it. Only after we get a better understanding of the bigger picture, we ask the  CRITICAL question; what can be done to improve things, for ourselves and our future kids?

Call me naïve, but I only found out after reading this book that attachment is a human need and never a bad thing. Maybe my mind was too messed up to actually see that all this time. There are healthy and unhealthy attachments, and there are reasons what might cause attachment to be unhealthy. It's being discussed in chapter 3; Attachment as our first foundation, which to me is one of the most interesting topics to be read. 

I was struck by a huge relief that my eyes got teary when the author said that she hope the first few chapters would help us to get a better understanding of the connection between what was missing in our childhood with the difficulties we are struggling now as an adult. Because I understand exactly what she's trying to convey as I understand a lot better now, why this and why that. Some of my big questions finally being answered.

Nobody suggested this book to me. I saw it once when I was window shopping on Book Depository and its title is too intriguing to be ignored and I added it to my wish list after reading the synopsis. And I swear to God, Book Depository has been suggested great books to me. Books that I saw nobody recommends but actually deserves better recognition. When you really like certain books, go to Book Depository website and scroll down to 'people who bought this also bought' and skim through. 

 

Robert Karen in his compilation of research on attachment:

“Virtually all children, even abused children, love their parents. It’s built into the nature of being a child. They may be hurt, disappointed, caught in destructive modes of being that ward off any possibility of getting the love they yearn for, but to be attached, even anxiously attached, is to be in love. Each year the love may become a little more difficult to access; each year the child may disavow his wish for connection more firmly; he may even swear off his parents and deny that he has any love for them at all; but the love is there, as is the longing to actively express it and to have it returned, hidden like a burning sun”

 

“It is not easy to give of yourself if you still have many unmet needs. Yet mothering requires constant giving.”

“How we are put together, how we see ourselves, our sense of self-esteem, our unconscious beliefs about relationship—all of these are strongly imprinted by our mother. She is not the only influence, but she and our interactions with her provide the basic building materials for all of these things.

Whether we feel that basic material as nourishing or toxic is largely determined by the quality of our interactions with our mother. It is not what Mother does that is so critical, but rather her energetic presence and her love that are so important. Is she spaced out or angry while feeding her baby? ”

 

“We can even meet some of these needs for ourselves as we mature, understanding that the undermothered child is usually still alive in an adult, still needing what it needed then.”

“Love is probably most effectively communicated by nonverbal means, including touch, tone of voice, eyes and facial expression, body language, and attentiveness. When the environment provides a secure sense of holding and containment (such as provided through boundaries and rules), this also feels like love.”

“A sense of safety is essential for a child to be able to relax and explore. Without safety, we may never learn to really go out into the world. Without our caretaker’s protection, our only protection is to stay small and build defensive structures into our personality.”

 

"For a young child not to feel wanted is to have no solid ground."

“When we are consistently not seen, it can lead to feeling invisible and an uncertainty that we are real. The feeling of unreality can be subtle and generally unconscious, or it can be quite pervasive and disorienting.”

“We may develop a sense of unworthiness and shame or fail to actualize our true potential. This can also set us up to be too accommodating to other people rather than stand behind ourselves.”

“When we don’t get a sense that Mother wants to meet our needs, we can believe, “My needs are shameful or a burden. I shouldn’t have needs.” We feel alone in our experience.”

 

Undermothered

“Yes, you got enough mothering to survive, but not enough for the kind of foundation that supports healthy self-confidence, initiative, resilience, trust, healthy entitlement, self-esteem, and the many other qualities we need to thrive in this challenging world.”

“As babies, we had no way of meeting our basic needs and were entirely dependent on others to be responsive to our calls for help. When our needs are consistently met, we feel secure and trust that help will be there. Without this, we learn that care is not available, the world doesn’t feel friendly or supportive, and we feel more insecure and mistrustful. We don’t know that we will have what we need, which jeopardizes our basic sense of trust.”

“It doesn’t help if the first responder goes to the wrong address, offers shelter when what’s needed is food, or insists on giving you what you don’t want. In psychological parlance we call this accuracy “attunement.” Mother as First Responder will be helpful to the extent she is attuned to her child’s needs. This is especially true for the early years before language.

This attunement and responsiveness to needs provides what is called a holding environment. With it, we feel held. This function is also what leads to self-regulation (described next in Mother as Modulator).”

“To modulate something is to make sure it’s not too strong and not too weak, but falls within a more optimal range. ”

“Through her response, she teaches the child how to deal with disappointment, frustration, anger, loss, and the many powerful experiences of life.

Without Mother as an effective modulator, we don’t learn to effectively manage our emotions. Either we cut off feelings, or our emotional states tend to spiral out of control. Anger turns into rage, crying to hysteria; we can’t contain our excitement, frustration, sexual impulses, or anything else.

Learning to modulate our internal states is called self-regulation or self-modulation. It is something the nervous system for the most part controls, but it is learned initially by the mother standing in for the developing nervous system and by meeting the child’s needs before he gets totally overwhelmed. Mother as Modulator serves as a cushion to the child’s fragile nervous system while it is developing.”

“Healing is possible even though it might require times and serious commitment. Otherwise, we’ll keep repeating the same mistakes and the broken cycle.”

“There is grace in the healing process, so although it’s not like one good cry can make up for years of repressed sadness, it can take you further down the field than you might think.”

“Although the process of healing never really ends, the hurt may.” 

“As we work through these wounds, our identity slowly changes. After all, our story has changed. Our life has changed. And it’s time for the internal narrative to change as well.”

 

 

 

 

Kayman Skintella Moisturizing Gel Review

Kayman Skintella Moisturizing Gel 30ml

I get the hype, I do. 

It’s an elegant gel cream consistency, applies beautifully, sits nicely on top of my skin and I’m always in love with the finish and how my skin looks in the mirror. The finish makes it perfect to be used as the last step of my skincare routine. 

On rare occasions, I did experience a slight pilling but problem solved when I layer my products slightly differently. 

Aini, you said you have a really dry skin, is it enough for you?

Short anwer; no. 

Long answer; if I could give numbers so perhaps it will be easier for some for us to get my points; a moisturiser that is able to keep my skin well-moisturised all night is at 5 and Kayman SMG stands between 3.8 and 4.2. It actually feels better when I layer my skin with thicker hydrators beforehand. And I also found out I could actually reach the perfect 5 with layering my reliable Hada Labo Whitening Cream before seals it with this one. Considering how the Hada Labo one is more on the hydrating side, they really complete each other.

 I hope Kayman would come up with a heavier moisturiser, creamy yet leaves a similar finish to this one, also with similar skin-loving ingredients

So, what makes this moisturiser stand out in my opinion? 

Using this consistently, it knocked me over with the big realization that my skin is not naturally that VERY dry, but lacking in ingredients that I am supposed to feed my skin with. My skin actually got a LOT less dry after using this consistently, and I am happy to find that out. It’s like you thought you could never ace in certain subjects in school, but when the teacher changed, you realised that you are actually able to do a lot better than you think, and it changed how you see yourself and things, in fact you feel a lot better about everything. Like a foggy path finally gets cleared up. 

If chicken rendang is my comfort food (makan with lemang, fuhh so good), this Kayman SMG falls into the same category. Something that you will crave for at the end of the day when everything starts to overwhelm you. I’m so happy that I could finally suggest something when people ask for a quick fix for their eczema flares up and redness caused by irritation. It’s exactly the first thing that comes to my mind for a quick fix because that’s exactly what it served me. 

This Kayman SMG is amazing for barrier repair and to soothe the skin. It really stands out in its own way. 

And the last thing I shall not miss out stating here is, bila pakai tu, ada sikit rasa sejuk yang nyaman, yang terasa damai.

And one thing I don't want to miss out stating here is, this gel moisturiser also feels great to be used on the lips before seals it with thicker lip products, or simply any occlusive heavy ointment. 

*PR

Why Kayman SRS 2.0 Is A Must Try

Aini jujurnya, masa awal-awal dapat tu, aini tak berharap banyak. Expectation pun memang tak tinggi, and PR package pun sampai tiba-tiba, macam surprise gitu, I was like, okay, lets see lah.

Kenapa aini tak berharap sangat? Sebab aini fikir, repairing serum, okay, tapi sejauh mana wow factor dia tu, kalau ada. Kalau pun ia really helps with acne, cut and stuff, itu belum cukup untuk aini nak cakap, weh, ni memang power gila ni, memang kena cuba. Atau, mungkin standard aini memang tinggi? Idk about that, but I am hard to impress. 

Macam yang ramai orang bagi feedbacks, serum ni berkesan untuk kecutkan jerawat, kurangkan redness. Kecutkan jerawat tu, in my experience, memang betul. Kalau jerawat yang dah separuh keluar tu, cepat je kecut. Kalau yang baru terasa benjolan dia bawah kulit, pun cepat je surut. Biasa aini gelabah kalau acne muncul, ada serum ni, siap boleh senyum eh. Dia punya yakin. Im so thankful for that sebab jerawat aini, kalau naik, biasa degil. 

Untuk 15ml, aini guna dari 29/1 and habis malam 17/2. Almost 3 minggu jugak.

So awal-awal tu, aini memang guna semata guna je lah. Sambil closely observe. And aini pun jenis yang dalam satu rutin tu, tak pakai banyak produk. So kalau tanya how every product works on my skin, aini memang boleh cakap sebab dapat observe betul-betul each of them. And using not so much of products at one time, allows me to be able to tell. Kalau essence, memang aini guna satu atau dua je tapi pakai banyak-banyak layer.  

So, apa yang buat aini sampai nak menulis panjang pasal serum ni? Apa yang best sangat? Explain.

Masa awal-awal guna tu tak perasan tau, tapi lepas dah nak masuk 3 minggu guna, bila tengok cermin, boleh nampak kulit sangat sihat, and bila pegang tu memang rasa halus je kulit, smooth ja. Rasa dia, sangat-sangat best. Aini boleh cakap, so far, takde yang buat kulit aini rasa gini sepanjang cuba product. Rasa sihat gila. Betul-betul, at its best. Walaupun ramai orang cakap aini is a smooth talker, I dont exaggerate things. Kalau best, kita cakap, kenapa dia best, kalau tak best, biasanya aini diam or cakap biasa ja ahahahah. 

Aini pun tengah break daripada guna retinol masa test SRS 2.0 tu, and exfoliate pun jarang. Satu, sebab rasa tak berkeperluan pun nak exfoliate tiap minggu, bila rasa nak je. 

Aini syak it was bifida doing. Idk, this is only my hunch. I know it's tricky to say it's the certain ingredient doing when really, it's the combination of all the ingredients in one bottle. We know how bifida is a great fermented ingredient untuk barrier repair and to improve overall skin health. In fact, pada hidung aini, memang serum ni bau something yang fermented. I think it is such a brilliant move to use bifida together with another soothing ingredients. Kayman chemists really deserve the world. I feel like giving them a long, warm hug. Rasa macam dah lama tak excited gini dengan product. 

Aini honestly tak pernah cuba any bifida-based product, pernah lah brand Itfer, tu pun pakai sekali dua then tak suka dia punya finish. Kalau fermented ingredients yang aini pernah cuba betul-betul, is galactomyces. Galactomyces products best sebab biasanya boleh rasa dia punya deep hydration tu, and softening effect. So si kulit kering gersang macam aini, memang akan suka lah. Tapi bila dah guna SRS 2.0 for quite some time ni, and if it's true that bifida yang pushed this serum beyond great, I will happily conclude bifida >> galactomyces. Tapi, apa apa pun, overall formula tu sendiri memang penting lah. 

Maybe lepas ni boleh cuba the Manyo Bifida Biome Complex Ampoule? hehe

Kalau any of you cakap, what if penggunaan produk lain antara pemyumbang kepada bestnya aini rasa serum ni?

Mungkin dorang ada contribute in some ways tapi its definitely Kayman SRS 2.0 doing. 

What about Kayman Skintella Moisturising Gel? Aini guna dia sekali kan masa guna Kayman SRS 2.0?

Okay, nak senang nampak, aini letak nombor. Nombor paling tinggi 10. Using Kayman SMG, it pushed my skin sampai nombor 8, max. But what makes it possible for my skin to reach number 10, its unmistakenly Kayman SRS 2.0. And in my experience, it always better to use them  both in one routine. I had tested in every way possible to confirm this, and yes.  

Seriously, in the name of God, this serum blows my mind. The word great doesn't do the justice to describe Kayman SRS 2.0. It is beyond that. Phenomenal even. Well, at least to me. 

If I choose to settle down one day, with a few products, this is definitely one of them, selain Kayman SMG and my beloved Tony Moly Mugwort Essence. Kalau u tahu your skin suka fermented ingredients and selalu perlu ditenangkan, feed her/him SRS 2.0. InshaAllah dia akan happy gila over time. 

Terasa betul its absence bila dah habis ni. Kalau in any way Kak Belle baca ni, please one day keluarkan SRS 2.0 in 50ml, so that nanti puas sikit guna hehe. 

Hahaha, ini bukan promote berbayar ya. Kalau berbayar pun, kalau produk tu mediore at its best, aini takkan letak pun kat my personal blog. Dan aini menulis ni pun, bukan niat nak convince sesiapa, aini cuma rasa it deserves it. And memang I love to write hehe. 

I never state this but my personal favourite from Kayman are Skintella Repairing Serum 2.0, Coalberry Cleanser and Skintella Moisturising Gel.  

Lastly, ingat okay, jangan mudah terpengaruh dengan cakap orang. Apa-apa, tengok your skin needs and your skin concerns. Dan jangan pernah ambil bulat-bulat apa orang cakap, reviewers ni bercakap daripada pengalaman dorang guna certain products tu je, and kita kena tahu, kulit kita lain-lain. Walaupun A kulit dia sensitive, B pun sensitive, tahap sensitiviti tu still berbeza. Ambil pandangan mereka sebagai general guideline je, sebab kalau tak, nanti kecewa, haa nak salahkan siapa?

Limitation

 Assalamualaikum everyone. It’s pouring rain outside and I just recovered from cold, just a common one, nothing serious. Alhamdulillah.

So, I came into a tweet from a respected fellow early this morning which he said;

“The saddest lesson from surah Yusuf is that the closest people in your life are not always the ones who love you the most.”

And just like that, I cried. I just can’t help but to sob. It’s a sad, hard truth for some of us.

And it makes me think of the big lesson that I learnt last year, of letting go. At some point, last year was a hard one. I learnt to let go of some people that I loved deeply, to the point that I thought I could die for them. Really.

I just loved them so much that only by the thoughts of them could bring heavy tears out of nowhere. I cried when they were around, I cried when they were away. Whenever I make prayers for them, I couldn’t help but to ask really desperately, in hope God would grant them instantly, putting them at ease all the time.

Letting go was hard for me because I was scared and terribly worried if I could love that much again, so deeply that I always found myself drowning in it. I didn’t care much if they loved me as much as I did, maybe they did love me in a way I didn’t see (no sense of confidence detected hah).

A reciprocal love doesn’t always have to mean it vibrates on the same wavelength.

It’s mutual but only with different intensity. 

Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean to stop loving them entirely, which I don’t know if it’s possible when you used to love them so much. But I learnt to slow down, to take a step back and reassess everything, not allowing yourself to be ruined and my self-worth being tromped and questioned, again and again but to love them only as much as it should be. 

And in that way, we wouldn’t crumble easily.

I faced a lot of betrayals in my life that it feels almost impossible for me to trust anyone anymore. It makes it even harder for me to let new people into my life. And this always leaves people confused, or simply give up on me right before I was ready to let them in. I am aware that it creates another pain to me but only a bearable one. So, it’s okay. I'm adjusting. 

I remember how hard it was to persuade myself to trust again. It was in 2016 if I am not mistaken. It was nothing big like a relationship or so, it was only trivial matter, only for self-practice. And I still remember how I found a huge comfort in that moment when I realized it was not so bad to trust someone again. And how that mere realisation brought tears to my eyes right in that moment.  

If you ask me if I truly trust you, I might find it hard to say no, when the answer is simply no.

I guess this is why you rarely heard I said “I miss you too”, “I love you” and those similar stuff. To be frank, I rarely miss people and when they said they missed me, it always left me confused. Even if I did miss them in a slightest, I’d give it a hundred times to think it over, if I should say it out loud, and if I say it, would my words carry enough meaning to it. I know they are just words but I never like the idea of taking my words lightly, especially those words that seem to carry heavy meaning. And I truly hate it when people’s action simply doesn’t align with their words. I understand that we can be forgetful at times but I think, if we truly mean every word we said, we will remember them.

Talking about trust, it reminds me exactly what the same respected fella said on lessons we could learn from Marriage and Sexuality in Islam by Imam al-Ghazali which we should never trust anyone. Ever. And it’s okay to be selfish because most of the time, kita je yang selalu peduli when they don’t even care.

It was somewhat similar to what my Human Communication lecturer said once, never give your whole trust to your partner.

And how I still remember my Water & Soil Quality Management lecturer said, never to trust anyone. Not even himself or what he said. Always double check on everything. I like it when he said that.

Kalau baca buku pun kita tak boleh ambil 100% daripada apa yang kita baca, apa lagi dari mulut orang. 

Sure, we can love deeply, but only in a moderate sense.

Deep yet moderate, deep but rational.

Good night everyone.

 

 

Meaningful Touch

 I was sitting on the ground, knees locked close to my chest, with my head down. He came out of nowhere, enclosed me like an envelope, bringing my back close to his chest, carefully embosomed me with his hands. My body stiffened as I resisted the touch.

He didn’t take my resistance as a sign of rejection but a drive for him to just keep still. I liked how his touch reflected his consistency, collectedness and a deep awareness of the situation. It was palpable enough to me that my resistance slowly melted away and I could feel my hard, high wall was on the verge of a complete shatter. The reflection I felt, made me wanted to succumb in him and before I knew, I started to sob, dampening his right arm with my everflowing tears.  

Earlier, I took the pleasure of being vocal about my frustration, but never my intention to guilt trip him, or being needy of his touch. Simply because I wanted to voice out what I feel on the inside.  

At times, it feels good to let your guard down with the right people.

And it always feels good to be touched in a very attuned way. [My definition of ‘attuned’ is exactly the same in The Emotionally Absent Mother book]

Sometimes, being in a state of dream can feel very addictive to me, because of how good I feel in it and how good it made/makes me feel [afterwards]. My dreams are usually the depiction of my deep, strong needs, mix with frustration, good memories and my deep, locked fears.  

And I like how I am usually very expressive in my dreams, able to speak my needs without any hesitation, able to wallow in the sweetness of rage, vulnerability, contentment and sadness that I feel like a total human. It feels foreign sometimes, because there’s time it makes me feel very uncomfortable to see the repressed sides of me being visualized in a very vivid way. 

My real life involves a lot of emotional restraints and it is tiring when you are the type to feel all sort of emotions very deeply. But anyhow, I learnt not to see that as a weakness but to feel joy about it. When you have a lot to pour but scared/worried if it’s going to be too much for certain people that it’d cause spillage or flood to their space, so, you keep them all to yourself because you don’t want to overwhelm anyone, even your loved ones. Until at one point, you don't know anymore if you're able to articulate them in words.

 Listen, if it's too much, say it. You need to know that there are some people out there, that took honor in bearing your suffering, it makes them feel happy that you feel safe to share it with them. And trust me, the hardship you feel to reach out is nothing compared to the pain caused by bottling things up. 

It feels sad to think that vulnerability is made a choice these days. People should be okay with it. We should feel okay to be vulnerable with ourselves, with our people and with God. 

Quote of the day: Words affirmation and physical touch are human needs, not simply a want. 

When was the last time you received a really good hug which it made you feel so good just to be yourself? When was the last time someone said some kind words that touched you in a way that made you feel you're a lot worthy than you think?