Peluk

The hugging in the car scene in Call Me Chihiro has lived rent-free in my head for almost a fortnight now. 

What makes it such a beautiful, poignant scene is, the telling/realisation that we all could use a good hug. Always. 

The alienation she felt, the deep loneliness she harbours alone, makes her character so much more relatable, at least for me. It can be awkward when someone offers us a hug in between a conversation, but we can see, how it surprised her when she figured how much she actually needed that. Her wall cracked in a warm embrace of a person she could call her ally from the same planet. 

Living with such a longing, an emptiness that nothing can really fit its true size, can be very hard and challenging. I finally realised after years of living, of how my religion and imaan are the greatest gifts that I could ever ask from Him. Because at the most trying times, that what saves me. He taught me the beauty in the language of hope, that whatever happens, there's always a glimmer of hope at the end of the road. 

If we, the people with religion, still have that very struggle at times, I could only imagine how hard it is for those without religion. 

Because it's our religion and His teachings that help to keep us centred and grounded. 

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In my high school years, I had this one female teacher who loved giving me random hugs. Not those loose, momentary hugs, but those firm and lasting ones. I remember at one time, I was standing alone at the corridor, waiting for my friend, and I was lost in my thoughts and she came out of nowhere and gave a warm backhug. I remember how instantly I felt my throat constricted which caused my eyes to well up with hot tears, which I had to constrain with all my might from it to break free.  

My invisible yet palpable concrete wall is always easily crushed by a mere touch. 

And up until now, I still wonder, if she could see right through me. If the tumultuous chaos within me is plainly obvious to her. Because with all the hugs she gave me, it felt like she knew more than I thought it was possible for other human beings to see. 

And I recalled the last time she came and gave me the biggest hug, I finally wailed in her arms. I had gone out of control, my bodily reaction was very confusing that I felt betrayed, but I just couldn't stop. Not anymore.

I was deeply confused at the moment and I wasn't even sure why I cried at the first place, was it because I was hit with realisation that no one would ever see me again like she did, now she's gone (?), I don't know, or maybe I know but I refuse to go to that depth. 

All the encounters we had, they felt almost fleeting but always left me choking in tears. We were not even that close, because  I'm the type who always prefers to keep people at a distance. 

I wish I could ask her the questions; 

Why the hugs? Did she actually see the image of me that I'm terrified for other people to find out? 

Or maybe not the demanding queries but enough with a heartfelt thank you, because those hugs of hers, did actually save me in some ways. And because, certain things are better left unsaid.