Perihal Lelaki

Kata dia, hati perempuan itu seperti meranti,

Semakin lama bersama, semakin mudah difahami,

Tapi lelaki hatinya ibarat cengal, 

Harus mengenal cara baru sebati, 

Jika tidak, payah ditembusi.

Lelaki sebati dengan watak tidak menangis,

Gagah dan kuat menolak tangis.

Tapi siapa tahu, 

Kesedihan mereka malah mungkin lebih dalam daripada kita perempuan.

Menilai dari fisik saja tidak mampu dalam meleraikan soal hati.

Cuma beza secara lahiriahnya, 

Kita perempuan juara dalam merasa,

dan

Mereka lelaki kelihatannya mengambil mudah dalam banyak hal, 

Termasuk soal hati.

Kita wanita, mereka lelaki,

Tapi kita semua manusia, 

cuma cara berbeza.

Rai, jangan keji. 

#AiniMentariWrites

Book review: Without You, There Is No Us by Suki Kim

Ah, looking at the title of the book reminds me of my favourite Chinese movie, Us and Them. Nothing related, it’s just both titles feel similar to me.

This story is somewhat a memoir of a Korean born journalist, Suki Kim who now resided in New York with her family. It tells about her unforgettable experience being a teacher to elite students in Pyongyang University Science and Technology (PUST) as their English teacher specializing in writing. She used to cover news around the world but what strongly drove her to enter the country, not just to know the real situation there but also because the story of how her maternal grandmother struggled to survive the war with her kids including her mom (Suki’s mom was 4 at that time) but lost her eldest and her only son who she relied so much on to North Korea.

I find this book quite disturbing because the unimaginable situations described and Suki felt so helpless being there but what kept her going was the students there. Everything is being watched and controlled. Words they uttered, actions they took, teaching materials used, everything needed to go through the authority. Even though the students were 20 years old, they were not equipped with basic knowledge because they are not allowed to. They do not have the internet access like us which we can surf freely any information we wanted, they only have Intranet (their kind of internet) which is very limited things to access. They might be called elite class students because of their families’ background but the definition of ‘elite’ there is somehow completely different compared to we have in other countries. Maybe they have better complexion compared to the others but still, they are lacking in many basic things that normal souls do.

It is sad how their life being controlled and limited by the upper authority and the least freedom they should enjoy as human beings are being suppressed. Nutritious food? Clean water? Fine roadway? No, they don’t have it. We from the other side of the world seem to take all those novelties for granted since we don’t face much problem to the access. Put the basic needs aside, they can’t even talk freely in fear of being punished. I am in no place to explain further about the political issues but what I could grasp from things I read regarding this book and some reading I did on this country, the corruption within their system is deeply affecting thousands of innocent souls there when they actually deserve more than what they receive and being served. Cutting the grass using scissors and not lawnmower? It is so heart – wrenching. The description of the people there on the road is far more heart breaking; gaunt physical, severely malnourished and sunken eyes with dead looks.

It’s 5/5 from me since I am pretty satisfied with the content, the vivid description and good choice of words. Plus, I got a better picture of North Korea. 

D

D: Aini, aku nak tanya,

Me: Apa D?

D: Kau jangan marah aku tanya ni tau.

Me: Hahaha tanya la dulu, kalau boleh jawab, aku jawab.

D: Aini, kau sayang tak aku, macam mana kau sayang dia?

Me: D, aku….. Payah soalan kau tu.

D: Aku cuma nak tahu Aini….

Me: D, dia sakit D. Dan dia struggle teruk dengan hidup dia, even just to feel alive. I couldn't say no bila dia open up and ask for my guidance walaupun aku tahu aku bukan siapa siapa untuk tolong. Tapi untuk be there, listen dan advise mana patut, aku tak boleh cakap tak. Sayang kalau diri dia tu go wasted since I could see a lot of potentials dalam diri dia.

D: Aku cuma nak tahu. Dan aku perasan kau selalu diam – diam menangis sebab dia.

Me: Aku cuma risaukan dia. Kau perasan?

D: I know, Aini. Bila malam – malam kau datang bilik aku je mata kau lain. Bengkak.

Me: D, satu benda kau kena ingat. Aku sayang kau dan aku sayang dia walaupun mungkin not in the same way. I do care about him but I care about you too.

D: Kau sayang dia in that 'special' way? As a man?

Aku nampak air mata dia yang dari tadi bertakung mula jatuh perlahan. She's not crying just because of me. There's something in her eyes that speaks. Dan aku perasan ada ketakutan yang dia cuba simpan dalam, tapi terlalu mudah untuk aku baca melalui pandangannya yang kerap dikunci pada aku.

Aku hilang kata. 

Aku halang diri daripada bersimpati pada D sebab aku tahu, yang dia nak adalah jawapan, bukan simpati. Aku tahu aku takkan menang dengan air mata, lagi – lagi dengan air mata yang lahirnya daripada seorang perempuan. Walhal aku sendiri seorang perempuan dan sebab tu lah, aku faham dan tahu seberapa dalam luka seorang perempuan boleh pergi.

Aku tak pasti ke mana arah perbualan ini akan pergi dan macam mana pengakhirannya nanti. But one thing I am always sure, I never want to hurt anyone using my words.

Me: D, kau tahu kan aku dah takde hati dekat lelaki lagi? Please jangan menangis. Jangan menangis sebab aku. Aku mungkin nampak cold tapi aku peduli pasal kau. Dan ramai lagi yang peduli pasal kau. Just remember that.

Makin laju air mata dia jatuh. Dibiar, tak diseka. Aku duduk dari arah bertentangan dengan dia, memerhati dari jauh dan dia perlahan – lahan mula menyeka air matanya. Mengawal sendu. Aku tak mampir sebab aku sendiri kurang pasti kalau itu yang dia mahukan, dan kalau itu yang patut aku lakukan.

I wanted to touch her hand, then gently stroke her arm and tell her that I’m here but I’m just not sure anymore. I don’t know what to feel, receiving such question at this hour and I don’t know how to react either.  

Aku nampak tangannya menyeka kasar sisa air mata yang berbaki.

D: Aini, aku mintak maaf...

Me: Let's just drop this subject okay? Kau dah makan?