Entri – 7 [Isolate]

 Entri – 7

I am never good at small talk, especially when talking to someone new, specifically with people that I am not so comfortable with. I am not sure if I ever wanted to be good at small talk, because it is boring at certain point. And it is usually draining my mental energy, honestly. It is not that I could not do it at all, I can do it but with my people; those that I am comfortable with. On rare occasion, I will be the one who greet the stranger first, only when I can feel that they carry such a good vibes.

Kebanyakan cikgu kau akan jumpa memang pandai bercakap, tahap confidence dorang kau boleh nampak, pada tahap yang baik, rarely like me yang suka sembunyi, asingkan diri daripada orang lain. I like being alone, I enjoy to be on my own, relishing the quietness and the stillness of time.

Aku perasan yang kadang cikgu – cikgu dalam bilik guru suka cakap benda yang aku tak suka nak dengar; cakap pasal certain pelajar in a demeaning way. The first time aku terdengar, I could feel my blood boiling, and I was feeling highly defensive to those kids. I truly hate it, I tried hard to mute but I could not just pretend I did not understand and hear them. I knew my place; I was only a mere substitute teacher who had no power.

Jadi, biasanya aku memang takkan ada dalam bilik guru pun. Ada tiga tempat biasa aku lepak, surau, makmal lama and bilik buku teks. Surau sebab memang takde orang, dan aku rasa serene je duduk dalam tu. Kadang takde buat apa, aku mengaji. Tak pun study. Selain surau, aku suka duduk kat makmal lama. Makmal lama tu dia tak bukak sebenarnya sebab tengah renovate. So bunyi orang bertukang, drill apa semua memang bising. Berhabuk. Bersepah. Tapi aku selalu je duduk kat ruang tengah yang connect dua makmal lama.. Memang bising, tapi I adjusted well, plus, those white noise were so much better nak banding dengan suara – suara dalam bilik guru, if I could be frank here. Walaupun sekeliling bising, I could always mute myself and focus on what I was reading and doing. Kadang pak cik yang bertukang tu jenguk jugak tanya,

“Cikgu, tak bising ke duduk sini?”

Aku jawab sambil senyum seikhlasnya, “Eh takpe, okay je.” Dengan harapan dia nampak yang aku bukan semata nak jaga hati dia tapi aku memang okay and suka kat situ.

Kadang lama jugak aku dalam makmal lama tu, set up barang untuk experiment, lagi – lagi kalau aku ada kelas form 1 lepas tu. Kadang rasa bosan, aku try buat chemical equation yang aku suka dulu. Makmal lama bangunan sama dengan kelas tingkatan 1, and aku ajar jugak kelas tingkatan 1, macam aku cakap dalam entri pertama. 2 kelas, kelas paling depan, dengan kelas paling belakang.

Kalau aku rasa nak socialise sikit, aku pergi duduk kat bilik buku teks. Dalam bilik tu biasa ada tiga orang cikgu, and kadang ada this one teacher akan datang lepak sekali. Campur aku jadi 5 lah. Biasa aku duduk situ buat final revision before aku masuk kelas form 3. Sebab kelas form 3 kat bangunan baru. And, it always feels good to be surrounded with a lot of books. I know it was not a library but still, a lot of books. Bilik ni paling banyak menyaksikan pesta air mata seketul Aini. Bila kadang dalam kelas aku tersentuh tengok those eager eyes of my students, aku lepaskan dalam bilik ni. Kalau nak ingat balik, aku bersyukur sebab setiap kali aku rasa sedih and nak nangis, mesti bilik tu kosong, sungguhlah, He is The Most Understanding.